Thankful

I am thankful.
For humility
For faith
For my imperfections
My children
My job
God given strength
Believers who surround and inspire me with their faith
Miraculous healing
Hope Reformed Church
Chocolate
Gardens
Beaches on perfect days
Revelation
Life and all its character building opportunities.
My lovely friends
The Holy Spirit on Lakeshore Community church
Gods Word
Everything Zoe and Miles Grandma does for them
answered prayers
prayers that haven't been answered yet

Fish on deck

I came home from work today to look at the deck we just had painted in our backyard. For no reason, there were two perfect Jesus fish illuminated on my deck..I have no idea what was causing this reflection, I have no Jesus fish hanging in any windows near my deck..or anywhere for that matter. Anyways, I thought they were beautiful, so I snapped a few pictures.

Love Dare Day 1

Don't say anything negative to your spouse....it's embarrassing to say, but that's a tough one for me.
My boss is really negative and demeaning to his staff, a small part of me thinks this is Gods way of letting me know how much it sucks to be on the other end of it all.
Everything has a purpose.

Pinewood Derby leads to trophy

Miles joined Boy Scouts in January this year, specifically so he could race in the Pinewood Derby that he's heard about from friends.
My boss at work used to be a big Pinewood Derby guys, having two kids who were boy scouts as well. I think combined I've had at least 15 hours of pure Pinewood Derby car building instruction from him over a three month period. Where the weight needs to be distributed, how the nails need to be filed near the head, how to put BB's in to add weight and get it to EXACTLY five ounces...His boys cars were, afterall, first place trophy winners every year. He was so intent on giving me these instructions I felt a little nervous, like I would let him down if Miles didn't win. "Make sure you have your husband call me with any questions!", he would say after each Pinewood Derby instructional.
So, I pawned the job off on Jon. He doesn't spend a lot of time with Miles..and well, he's his dad..so isn't it really his job anyways? And I did pass off my boss' phone number and all the notes I had mentally jotted down from the boss... specifically THE MOST crucial rule...Keep the weight distributed between the wheels!!!
Finally they ended up one weekend carving the shape of the car. It was basically very skinny triangle, barely a 45 degree angle. The worst part was the weight was So not evenly distributed between the wheels (mostly chunk in the trunk). I was a little disappointed they didn't follow the rules I laid out for them, I knew they wouldn't, they couldn't possibly win! But, at least it would be a good experience.
I even commented, "Miles, you probably won't place this year, but it will be a good learning experience for NEXT year"
So they finish the car, freshly and simply painted Green and white (gotta represent MSU), and off we go to the Pinewood Derby. Miles' car took 2nd place, and he got a trophy. What did I know?!, and what did my boss know?!. Miles sure proved us both wrong. So proud of you Miles!! Trophy or not, you will always be a winner in my eyes!

Toddler chit chat

Me: Cooper, are you ucky?

Cooper: NO! Arby ucky

Darby: (crying) Noooo , Ooper ucky

Cooper: No! Arby ucky

and back and forth and so on like that
Darby was SO upset that Cooper was blaming him for being ucky.

yes, babies can choke on cheese

The day started out pretty well, my mom drove into town and actually came to a church service with me. I'm so proud of her, she'd had a rough week for a number of reasons.

Anyhoo, we got back, went to McDonald's, went to the channel to feed ducks and play on the very wet and very snow covered playground. It was pretty fun, and so so beautiful outside. Its just so nice to get sunshine this time of year.

My mom left around 4:40 and my friend Jamie stopped over with her 2 year old, Julian. The boys got into the American cheese slices so I gave them each one, Darby inhaled his so I gave him another one. A minute into it, he was choking, really seriously choking and he looked terrified. First I tried hitting his back and nothing was happening, he couldn't breathe at all. He almost seemed like he was about to throw up, so I pulled him into the bathroom and held him over the toilet continuing to hit his back which really made no sense at all and did nothing for him. I ended up giving him the Heimlich maneuver about three times until a huge hunk of cheese came flying out. It can happen so fast, it just makes me think about all the times I've had my boys sitting down to eat and I've run to another room to do something quick. Thank you God I was able to get it out. I get all torn up thinking about what could have happened tonight. Life is so precious.

Family Bowling Day Pack 3066

Today we went bowling with Miles Boyscout pack 3066 for "family bowling day". Miles, Zoe, Mike, myself  and the babies all loaded up ready to bowl. It took all of five minutes for the boys to scream loud enough to turn  heads (even over the ridiculously loud music and black light disco fest ringing through the bowling alley).

I'm at a point where I just ignore the world around me. The stares from other parents, employees, kids all wondering what on earth is wrong with my boys and what kind of awful parent I must be that they'd act this way. I developed a bubble. I just stay centered and calm in my   bubble...just me and my toddlers...who are screaming and writhing like they are being tortured because they've suddenly seen a balloon, or a ball, or a vending machine,  or a whatever object in that moment and they can't let it go, they don't get their way, so they FREAK out in the hugest way possible. The stares, the other people, they don't exist in my bubble. There's no reason to be embarrassed in my bubble, its just us.

Mike freaks out too, he hasn't figured out a way to stay calm yet, so I basically have disqualified him from my  bubble because there's just no room in there for him, its already enough with the twins. Mike swears and yells at me "why are we at this effing thing"? I just stay in my bubble, I've tuned him out. Having a husband losing his cool in the midst of two autistic three year olds losing their cool.... its character building stuff.

Six months ago I would have just started crying of humiliation, the awfulness of it all..the utter embarrassment of being such a disastrous public spectacle.  Today, I have a bubble....it's the only way I can go outside my home and not risk  becoming a hermit.

So ten minutes into the whole thing, Zoe spills her freshly poured sticky soda EVERYWHERE, ..we have to call the employees to help us clean the mess. Next, I take a trip to the vending machine for Darby and Cooper to get combo's. Darbys combos drop, Coopers combo's get stuck. They're  just frozen in the vending machine annoyingly stuck to that metal piece, it just refuses to let go. Cooper gets  upset in his extreme way and starts trying frantically to climb into the vending machine to get his  combo's. Again, the employee  is called to fix the situation. More time goes by,  predominantly consisting of Cooper screaming, Mike swearing, Darby running 80 miles an hour through the bowling alley, and my ten year old daughter attempting to capture the attention of every single person in the bowling alley with her erratic dance moves. It was quite a moment. I thought it couldn't get any worse..I was wrong.  I decided to let Darby bowl a few turns.

So he gets his little bowling shoes on and rolls a few down the bumpered lane... and all is good. On his third attempt, he picks up his five pound  ball, trips over his feet, and lands with his chin crushing down on the ball.  I scoop him up and quickly take him to the locker room hoping to get there in time to prevent the sound thats about to come out of his mouth from the ears of the other bowlers,  and  to assess the damage. He opens his mouth to wail and blood comes pouring out all over his shirt and  pants as well as my shirt and pants. He chomped down on his tongue pretty hard and both sides are bleeding . Luckily his tongue  is still attached.  After ten  minutes or so the bleeding  stops. At that moment when I first saw the blood, I just remember thinking "God, can't I have just one effing break??" And I swore in my thoughts to God... , and I wasn't taking it back, I felt justified in it.

After ALL that, I thought I was out of thick of it, it couldn't get worse could it? Then, a delivery of balloons and cake came for a 40th birthday party for one of the pack leaders. That basically sent Darby and Cooper into a wailing fit. Thankfully Miles was done bowling by this point and still claiming me as his mother. I gathered up my blood stained Darby and my screaming  Cooper, my seriously pissed off husband, my attention seeking daughter, and we left. I'm pretty sure most the parents were happy to see us go.

Mealtime

Toddlers are generally picky eaters, with autistic toddlers its a nightmare. My boys feeding issues started around 8 months when I attempted to move from pureed baby foods to stage 3 lumpy foods. They would gag, then spit it out, frantically wiping off their tongues with their hands until every little piece was gone. What was even harder to understand was why my boys would put every non-food item in their mouth despite its degree of grossness. Mud, lint, rocks, ants, obsessively shoveling beachsand by the handfuls into their mouths...but chicken with tiny bits of carrots would cause a complete anxiety attack. A few times I could give them a tiny bit of "lumpy" baby food under their pureed baby food until they caught wind and felt the lumps... then they didn't trust me at all and would refuse to eat any baby food period pureed or not.

They go through weird obsessions with food, right now its peanut butter and dry cereal. I typically have no problems feeding them any carb foods. So any type of cracker, or cereal is welcome. Bread too, they are Big into toast. For a few months they only ate sausage. Then there was a pepperoni pizza phase, they still will eat the pepperonis off pizza, but they've given up on eating the rest. For a few months they ate tons of apple sauce and yogurt, that was by far their healthiest phase. We even had them eating banana's and apples for a few weeks but they have abandoned the entire fruit and vegetable group altogether (unless they are stage 1 baby foods in the baby food jars, and with a lot of coaxing, and depending on their mood that day).
I don't know what it is about autistic kids that makes them so weird about food, its so frustrating. It would be nice to get through one meal feeling like they've eaten properly.
Last week, I mixed up a baby food jar of banana's into some pancake batter and put peanut butter on top, with a little sugar free syrup, that was a hit.
Then I figured out I could make smoothies and blend a little spinach or any other vegetable mixed with enough fruit and Darby will drink some of that.
So today, the only foods (non-pureed baby food) I can get them to eat are the following:
toast, cereal, crackers, cookies, bacon, spoonfuls of peanut butter, ice cream, cake, cornbread, and french fry's, pepperoni, sliced American cheese, popcorn, bagged shredded cheese, spoonfuls of cinnamon, and spoonfuls of Parmesan cheese... not the best diet. I'm worried they'll end up with diabetes or severe nutritional deficiencies. Fortunately I can get them to eat Flintstones and an omega 3 chewable vitamin every day. People always say "just don't feed them, they'll eat if their hungry enough"...I agreed that this was logical but found out quickly that while it may be true for normal kids, its a whole different ballgame with autistic kids. They will go to bed hungry, then wake up 80 times during the night crying of hunger pains, then get up at 7am ready to eat dry cereal, and I try to feed them some banana slices or oranges and scrambled eggs, this leads to more meltdowns and frantic pointing to the cupboards where the bread products are stored, then no eating, and off to school they go to find themselves at lunch scarfing down only their fry's and the bun from their chicken sandwich.
Food therapy is the route I'm eventually going to have to go down, hopefully by the time they are 3 they'll communicate better and it will be worth the cost.

Officially old

I thought having a baby (or four) would make me feel old... or the moment I finished college and started a "real" career. But no...
The moment that officiated my oldness happened at 7:30 pm tonight on January 17, 2010. It was hearing my daughter talking on the phone with a friend sitting in her bedroom with a hint of valley girl accent, speaking of their 4 foot 6 boyfriends and listening to Beyonce blaring from her speakers.
What happened to my little chicken?

UP

Went to Red Robins for lunch, Darby let 2 balloons float to the rafters, the third one I tied to his belt loop...he stood up and waited for it to lift him off the ground and in to the rafters...pointing at himself, then the ceiling, saying "up" and lifting his heels off the ground. He even tried flapping his arms. Gotta love toddler logic.

This is your subconscious talking

This evening Zoe placed a walkie talkie near Mike in the basement while he was at the computer. Then she went to her room with the other talkie and proceeded to say thi (in a eery subconscious esque voice)

"Mike, this is your subconscious talking. Ebay and Craigslist will do you no good. Neither will demonoid. Call your stepson...he feels sad and he needs to know you love him"

Heaven & Hell

My boss at Hines Corporation was an awesome guy. He was just a super nice, fun, positive and encouraging person. One day we were talking about God things and he said to me "What if this is heaven, what if we're in it, and it has nothing to do with the afterlife?" To which my response was "If this is as good as it gets, just shoot me now"

But seriously, that statement worked for him, he was a good looking guy with a healthy income, beautiful wife, no kids, living in America. But what hope is there for everyone else? How do you tell a person suffering from poverty, sickness, and loss that this is as good as it gets?

I think my friend said it best when she said this: "For nonbelievers, this life is the closest to heaven they'll ever get...For believers, its the closest to hell they'll ever get".

A weekend on my own

Mike left for Saginaw on Friday, Zoe and Miles went to Grandmas for a few hours on Saturday, so I stayed in my pj's almost all day. Heres a few snapshots I took with the babies...Darby insisted on wearing his dragonsuit, a firemancoat, and Zoes snowhat all weekend...