There was a night years ago where I found myself crying out to God; tears streaming down my face, sitting on my bed in my basement bedroom right after I'd put all my kids to bed directly upstairs from me.
"Lord, please just bless me with a husband who is the picture of you in physical form to hold me and care for me on this earth. A husband with physical arms to protect me and care for me the way you do for my soul. I don't want to make an idol out of a husband Lord, and I know there's no man on earth who is you...just give me a man who is a glimpse of who you are."
I've been with my husband since the fall of 2011. He officially loved me on a cold day in December 2011. We got married in October of 2015. I just realized fully this week how God answered my prayer; I'm slow. I mean, I've known my husband is amazing for quite some time...and I know he sacrifices for us. He left everything out East to come to Michigan for us, He works tirelessly at a job that doesn't always reward him, for us. He loses sleep, for us. It goes on and on and on. He is steadfast, patient, simple, kind, loving, funny. He is my polar opposite in almost every way personality-wise. He grounds me, he helps me, he advises me, he blesses me, he loves me....all this and He's still not God who is SO MUCH more. God showed me clearly this week that He is exactly what I prayed for seven years ago.
I was married two other times before I met Jeff. I came with four kids. He had never been married and came with no kids. My life was me, running in constant survival mode. And my kids, suffering from their mom running in constant survival mode... until I met Jeff.
Spiritually, when I met Jesus in 2007, He took my shame and burdens and filled me with peace. But I still had physical consequences of my life being played out, so I was still in survival mode physically. By Gods Grace, I was able to finish my bachelors degree and save enough money to get my kids and I out of poverty by 2007, but just barely. ....and it was HARD. The first two years that Jeff and I dated, he lived a good 14 hour drive away from us. I worked full time, I had no family living near me to help. What I did have was a teenage daughter who hated me, two ex husbands who hated me, a middle school son, and twins who were diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers. The twins had so many behavioral issues the local public school system wouldn't even allow them to attend school in the same building. So, I had 4 kids, in four different schools. Each school building was miles apart from the other while I was working 40-50 hours a week. It was physically impossible to keep up, but I didn't have a choice to not keep up.
I finally was "downsized" from my job in 2014. Lets be frank, I was actually fired, but corporate called it downsizing because they knew I was a good employee with a tough break at home. I did good work...I just couldn't do everything that was on my plate. I'd take my laptop home to get work done after being called to one of the twins schools to pick them up for bad behavior...but I'd get nothing done at home because I'd be home with one of my kids who was bouncing off the walls. It was a blessing to be "downsized". I was given a ridiculously generous severance package and started the work at home my kids desperately needed. Jeff, who was just dating me at the time, told me to just stay home with my kids instead of finding another job. When my severance pay ran out, and before he moved here, he actually helped me pay my bills.
He took my burdens upon himself....Jeff, who had no responsibility in creating the hard circumstance I was in, took my burden. Who does that?! Jesus. The one who LOVES US! Can you see how my husband is like Jesus??
My kids have since been completely released from special education services. According to the team that was working with them in this program, they are the success story of the program....the ones who made it! None of that would be possible without Jesus or Jeff.
Did you know that marriage IS a picture of who God is. Jesus is the groom, we are the bride. He takes our burdens, He cares for us, He loves us...He sacrifices Himself for us.
Think about these different relationships between men and women:
A one night stand- a man shows his affection to a woman for a night. Early on, the man is attracted to the woman, he lavishes her with attention, he gets what he wants, then he is gone in the morning....the affection disappears.
A temporary boyfriend- He sets his affection on you for a time...it might be 2 weeks, it might be 2 months, the average time is two years for relationships to end. There is a time of great affection, where he shares his love with you...it comes to an end.
A husband- In the way God designed it, the husband is the head of the household as Christ is the head of the church. He puts his affection on his wife and it remains until death do they part. He provides, he sacrifices, he cherishes. It is a lifetime of LOVE that grows.
Jesus and His bride- The last relationship dynamic above (husband and wife) is the closest resemblance of Christ to His church..... which is the omega of relationships- the FINAL and MOST eternal relationship. It never ends. A marriage that is blessed by God and effectively working is amazing...I'm here to tell you about it...but there IS something even better! Eternity with the God who has ALWAYS loved your soul, and WILL always love your soul. Even the husbands affection is temporary....Gods love NEVER ends.
And heres the thing- sometimes people love God just because they think He can give them things (and sometimes in His will, he does!, and sometimes, for your good, He doesn't!)). But sometimes people seek God, not for God Himself, but for created things. Like the crowd of people who followed Jesus and his miracles...the crowd saw him multiply bread and fish and feed them, 5,000 of them. (John 6). The crowds followed. He calls them out a short time later on it. He knows they follow for the stuff, but they're not quite into HIM. He calls Himself the bread of Life...HE is the gift. (John 6:26)
Jesus answered, "Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signs I performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill.- John 6:26
How is your relationship with your husband? Are you in it for the stuff? I think most people who look at my situation with Jeff who don't really know us would say I am...its a natural accusation. Jeff and I laugh and joke about it all the time. I try to imagine if I didn't actually Love my husband but I just liked the stuff. I imagine that would be miserable, actually I don't have to imagine...I was sort of in that situation with an ex husband. The stuff he provided was shared rent and responsibility...but the love was never there, I never had it to give because I didn't posess it myself. When we got married it was simply because it made the most sense financially to get the things we wanted....a house....thats "loving" a person for the stuff they bring to the table. thats a miserable way to do marriage....and I'm ashamed that I lived that way. To miss out on the gift and awesomeness of marriage for the created STUFF? theres no satisfaction in that. Thats like settling for some bread and fish, but missing the awesomeness and LOVE of Jesus. I recoil at the thought. I LOVE my husband...LOVE Him. Even when the honeymoon phase is over, and the butterflies dissipate a bit....even when he's annoying me and I have to choose to love Him, I do. Luckily for me, he makes that job easy for me to do.....like Jesus :)
Thankyou Jesus for answering my prayers and my broken heart that night long ago!!!
To date, I think the biggest sacrifice I've had to make in my marriage is taking on the name Stuppy :) I get called Mrs. Stoopy OFTEN. I'd like to respond .."I'm not Stoopy, you're Stoopy if you think Stuppy is pronounced that way." But of course, I never do (well maybe just once I did :)). On further reflection isn't that an anology of what our walk with Christ is like?? We take on HIS name. Others may respond to us like we're idiots, the weak intellectuals who believe in the "flying spaghetti monster"? And we know the ones who don't know Him just don't know what theyre talking about...so we bite our tongues....most of the time :)
Love you all!!
John 6
6 Some time after this, Jesus crossed to the far shore of the Sea of Galilee (that is, the Sea of Tiberias), 2 and a great crowd of people followed him because they saw the signs he had performed by healing the sick. 3 Then Jesus went up on a mountainside and sat down with his disciples. 4 The Jewish Passover Festival was near.
5 When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip, “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” 6 He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.
7 Philip answered him, “It would take more than half a year’s wages[a] to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!”
8 Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, 9 “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”
10 Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there). 11 Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.
12 When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.” 13 So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten.
14 After the people saw the sign Jesus performed, they began to say, “Surely this is the Prophet who is to come into the world.” 15 Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself.
Jesus Walks on the Water
16 When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, 17 where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. 18 A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. 19 When they had rowed about three or four miles,[b] they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were frightened. 20 But he said to them, “It is I; don’t be afraid.” 21 Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.
22 The next day the crowd that had stayed on the opposite shore of the lake realized that only one boat had been there, and that Jesus had not entered it with his disciples, but that they had gone away alone. 23 Then some boats from Tiberias landed near the place where the people had eaten the bread after the Lord had given thanks. 24 Once the crowd realized that neither Jesus nor his disciples were there, they got into the boats and went to Capernaum in search of Jesus.
Jesus the Bread of Life
25 When they found him on the other side of the lake, they asked him, “Rabbi, when did you get here?”
26 Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signs I performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. 27 Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.”
28 Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?”
29 Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”
30 So they asked him, “What sign then will you give that we may see it and believe you? What will you do? 31 Our ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written: ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.’[c]”
32 Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. 33 For the bread of God is the bread that comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”
34 “Sir,” they said, “always give us this bread.”
35 Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. 36 But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. 37 All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. 38 For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. 39 And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. 40 For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.”
41 At this the Jews there began to grumble about him because he said, “I am the bread that came down from heaven.” 42 They said, “Is this not Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How can he now say, ‘I came down from heaven’?”
43 “Stop grumbling among yourselves,” Jesus answered. 44 “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day. 45 It is written in the Prophets: ‘They will all be taught by God.’[d] Everyone who has heard the Father and learned from him comes to me. 46 No one has seen the Father except the one who is from God; only he has seen the Father. 47 Very truly I tell you, the one who believes has eternal life. 48 I am the bread of life. 49 Your ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness, yet they died. 50 But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which anyone may eat and not die. 51 I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.”
52 Then the Jews began to argue sharply among themselves, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?”
53 Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. 54 Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. 55 For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. 56 Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. 57 Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. 58 This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” 59 He said this while teaching in the synagogue in Capernaum.
Many Disciples Desert Jesus
60 On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”
61 Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? 62 Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! 63 The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit[e] and life. 64 Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. 65 He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”
66 From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
67 “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69 We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”
70 Then Jesus replied, “Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!” 71 (He meant Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, who, though one of the Twelve, was later to betray him.)
Friday, September 28, 2018
#metoo
I’ve considered writing my personal #metoo story for quite some time , but delayed continuously because there’s a part of the #metoo movement that doesn’t settle well with me. It’s the constant victimhood we like to relish in and the sentiments that come after when people give you that overtly sympathetic look and treat you like an injured kitten. For me, my #metoo experience eventually led me to Christ and forgiveness and really understanding the depth of brokenness in the world we live in...and the need to forgive and be redeemed. I’m ready for a #forgiveness movement. Some say the #metoo movement is empowering, I think the #forgiveness and #healed movement is even more empowering. Since the Kavannaugh accusation by Dr. Ford have surfaced, God has really laid it on my heart to share some of my life experience in this arena. For more than a week now, I've been revisiting something I was finally healed from 11 years ago. My purpose in writing this isn't to just to empower others or myself by speaking about my victimhood. My intention is to empower women and men with my story of redemption and forgiveness.
Here’s Part 1 of my story:
When I was 13 years old, my mom moved me for the 4th consecutive year in a row to a new school. We were poor compared to the families who lived in this new area. My mom wasn't a lawyer, a doctor, or business owner like many other parents, my mom was a meatwrapper at the local Farmer Jacks supermarket in West Bloomfield Michigan. We rented two rooms in a big house from my aunt; who also lived there with my two cousins. So we shared a house, five women under one roof. They weren't thrilled I moved in. I used to steal their clothes from their bedrooms to attempt to fit in with the other kids in the area. I was thinking my $100 annual Kmart clothing allowance might not cut it for me. I cannot stress enough that we were living in a very wealthy school district . My cousins were already established in the school system, a tight knit community of Jewish families. Although my cousins parents were divorced, they were still friends and coparented very well together. It was actually their dads house they grew up in when their parent divorced, their dad sold the house to my aunt so my cousins could remain in the house while they finished high school. I was the kid who came from Detroit with an afro, no money, no friends, who listened to Metallica , and stole their clothes. It was understandable why they weren't thrilled to have me.
The first group of kids who befriended me that first summer I moved in was a group of girls I met at the playground in my neighborhood. They hung out with a group of thrasher boys who lived in this new neighborhood I was in. For those wondering what on earth a "thrasher" is...its a kid who skateboarded in the late eighties, early nineties...They wore airwalks, chain wallets, had shaved hair on the sides and had long hair on top that swooped over one eye. The kids who lived in my neighborhood were actually a set of triplets. Their house was a constant hangout for a group of maybe 10-12 boys and maybe 5 or 6 girls. Their parents worked alot so the home was often parent free.
I met them in August. That fall season, there was an evening I was home alone. Two of the boys knocked on my door and somewhat forced their way in. They were only a few years older than me. I say "somewhat forced their way in" because I'm sure I was hesitant to let them in. I was so nervous and awkward and uncomfortable at that time in my life. They both came in, and eventually forced themselves onto me. Not "almost" sexually assaulted me, they actually did sexually assault me. To this day, I'm still foggy about which 2 boys it was....or if they both did it, or if it was just 1 who did it. I wasn't drinking, they weren't drinking. Yet Im still foggy about who exactly did it. If I had to say who it was, I might be able to narrow it down to 4 boys, but again I couldn't say if it was just one who did it or both.
I quit hanging out with that group and found different friends. I was headed into 8th grade that year so was able to stay away from the group of boys who were in high school. I think they had started some rumors about me that I was a whore, but I ignored it. I never told my mom, my aunt , my cousins, or anyone about the incident. I was deeply ashamed. The next year I was a freshman in high school. This group of kids tormented me. They were mostly sophomores and juniors. They kicked me in the back as I walked down the hallway, they called me a whore, and they threw food at me in the lunchroom. I was terrified of them. I earnestly "wished" for bad things to happen to them. I hated them. That hate lasted for 17 years. By the time I was a sophomore or junior in high school, I had a class with one of them...I was an anxious nervous mess every day in that classroom. I got to a point where I just got tired of it. I distinctly remember walking down the hallway of the highschool one day and one of them making some flippant nasty remark to me. I think for the first time I actually said to them "FUCK OFF" . Sorry to be so graphic, but thats what i said, and it actually felt pretty good, and it made the kid shrink back a little bit. I moved a few months after that encounter to another school district.
I had a fresh start again with kids who didn't know me. I did alot of drugs, I partied all the time, yet miraculously kept my grades up. I had a blast, I won't lie....for a few years anyways....eventually that stuff catches up to you too. I enjoyed the people I hung out with, the parties, the insane funny things we all experienced together. Looking back on it now as an adult, its evident to me I was running away from trauma I'd experienced in my life and was burying it using a few different measures. Fun (drugs/parties), control (making money I earned one of my Gods), and humor ( one of my greatest coping mechanisms). These things carried on into full blown destructive sins in adulthood for me. Oh and I still hated the boys...the thought of that group of people, even running into them filled me with anxiety and terror.
When I was 17, I was at a dance club in downtown Pontiac called "Industry"; some of you Detroit kids may remember that place. I saw one of the boys there , I cant even remember which one it was now...I do remember being filled with terror...that terror of running into them again remained with me until I was about 3o years old.
I was working at my first professional accounting job in Norton Shores Michigan. Our secretary was close to my age and kept inviting me to church. God was drawing me in. I laughed at her, I was arrogant, I told her I was a Jew. etc etc etc. The truth was I'd actually been to many churches in the area over a number of years living in Grand Haven. I gave up on them. I liked the message, I liked Jesus. I didn't completely understand Jesus' death on the cross. Actually I didn't understand it at all. I thought Jesus was just a moral teacher and a socialist democrat quite frankly. When I'd go to these churches, I'd always sit in the back and feel too dirty to be there. I'd look around at these clean happy intact families and just feel like I wasn't them. I was broken, and honestly it was hard for me to keep it all together at times. I felt alone, I believed that not one person there would be able to identify with my experiences in life. So I wouldn't return to them. But I visited many of them, one sermon at a time here and there.
But this gal kept inviting me, and I kept declining the offer. One day in the fall of 2007 and in the season of invitation to this church, I came across an obituary of one of those boys on the social media website "Myspace". He took his own life. One of his fraternal twin brothers wrote a lengthy piece about him. Through his brothers written tribute as an adult, I learned that this man suffered through depression most of his life. I learned that the brothers parents worked all the time and they were left home alone from an early age to their own devices. I learned that they had been exposed to pornography videotapes that were left in that home. I learned that day how broken he was. I truly believe that God gave me a window that day so I could see things from His vantage point instead of my own limited human one. This man was just broken, from childhood.....this boy who I'd hated and had "wished" for horrible things to transpire in his life..... He was just a broken person who needed Jesus....then it hit me... #metoo. I too, was just a broken person who needed Jesus. I surrendered that day to God...to Jesus, and I forgave all of them. I was grieved over the bitterness I'd held onto for so long. I would do anything to rewind this life and tell him he was forgiven before he took his own life. I was ashamed for hating him. My life was forever changed that day. Forgivesness, there is nothing sweeter and more freeing than it. That was the season where my clinical anxiety and depression left me forever.
As far as I know, and from what I've heard....one of the other brothers who may or may not have been one that assaulted me, eventually became a rabbi helping people recover from drug addictions. This week with the Judge Kavannaugh saga thats been unfolding, I actually looked at almost every single persons social media page that was part of that group that assaulted me and tormented me. They had pictures of their wives, their beautiful kids. They weren't the same people they were back in 1989. None of us are. I was HAPPY for them, I root for them...their pictures of their families made my heart full. Thats what forgiveness can do.
Listening to Doctor Fords testimony yesterday, some things were similar. Some things, not all things in that she wasn't actually raped. I still really felt for her though because it was evident that she had serious emotional issues. Something clearly happened to her at some point in her life she has not healed from. From my own experience its very possible that she could have accused the wrong person. My situation happened 29 years ago, with no alcohol. Her trauma happened nearly 40 years ago with alcohol. When I looked at her face, It was evident how much that anxiety has affected her as a person. And I was THANKFUL that by the grace of God, I've been released and healed from that captivity. Jesus heals, He turns victims into Victors.....what are you waiting for?????? #Jesus #Forgiveness #healed
Here’s Part 1 of my story:
When I was 13 years old, my mom moved me for the 4th consecutive year in a row to a new school. We were poor compared to the families who lived in this new area. My mom wasn't a lawyer, a doctor, or business owner like many other parents, my mom was a meatwrapper at the local Farmer Jacks supermarket in West Bloomfield Michigan. We rented two rooms in a big house from my aunt; who also lived there with my two cousins. So we shared a house, five women under one roof. They weren't thrilled I moved in. I used to steal their clothes from their bedrooms to attempt to fit in with the other kids in the area. I was thinking my $100 annual Kmart clothing allowance might not cut it for me. I cannot stress enough that we were living in a very wealthy school district . My cousins were already established in the school system, a tight knit community of Jewish families. Although my cousins parents were divorced, they were still friends and coparented very well together. It was actually their dads house they grew up in when their parent divorced, their dad sold the house to my aunt so my cousins could remain in the house while they finished high school. I was the kid who came from Detroit with an afro, no money, no friends, who listened to Metallica , and stole their clothes. It was understandable why they weren't thrilled to have me.
The first group of kids who befriended me that first summer I moved in was a group of girls I met at the playground in my neighborhood. They hung out with a group of thrasher boys who lived in this new neighborhood I was in. For those wondering what on earth a "thrasher" is...its a kid who skateboarded in the late eighties, early nineties...They wore airwalks, chain wallets, had shaved hair on the sides and had long hair on top that swooped over one eye. The kids who lived in my neighborhood were actually a set of triplets. Their house was a constant hangout for a group of maybe 10-12 boys and maybe 5 or 6 girls. Their parents worked alot so the home was often parent free.
I met them in August. That fall season, there was an evening I was home alone. Two of the boys knocked on my door and somewhat forced their way in. They were only a few years older than me. I say "somewhat forced their way in" because I'm sure I was hesitant to let them in. I was so nervous and awkward and uncomfortable at that time in my life. They both came in, and eventually forced themselves onto me. Not "almost" sexually assaulted me, they actually did sexually assault me. To this day, I'm still foggy about which 2 boys it was....or if they both did it, or if it was just 1 who did it. I wasn't drinking, they weren't drinking. Yet Im still foggy about who exactly did it. If I had to say who it was, I might be able to narrow it down to 4 boys, but again I couldn't say if it was just one who did it or both.
I quit hanging out with that group and found different friends. I was headed into 8th grade that year so was able to stay away from the group of boys who were in high school. I think they had started some rumors about me that I was a whore, but I ignored it. I never told my mom, my aunt , my cousins, or anyone about the incident. I was deeply ashamed. The next year I was a freshman in high school. This group of kids tormented me. They were mostly sophomores and juniors. They kicked me in the back as I walked down the hallway, they called me a whore, and they threw food at me in the lunchroom. I was terrified of them. I earnestly "wished" for bad things to happen to them. I hated them. That hate lasted for 17 years. By the time I was a sophomore or junior in high school, I had a class with one of them...I was an anxious nervous mess every day in that classroom. I got to a point where I just got tired of it. I distinctly remember walking down the hallway of the highschool one day and one of them making some flippant nasty remark to me. I think for the first time I actually said to them "FUCK OFF" . Sorry to be so graphic, but thats what i said, and it actually felt pretty good, and it made the kid shrink back a little bit. I moved a few months after that encounter to another school district.
I had a fresh start again with kids who didn't know me. I did alot of drugs, I partied all the time, yet miraculously kept my grades up. I had a blast, I won't lie....for a few years anyways....eventually that stuff catches up to you too. I enjoyed the people I hung out with, the parties, the insane funny things we all experienced together. Looking back on it now as an adult, its evident to me I was running away from trauma I'd experienced in my life and was burying it using a few different measures. Fun (drugs/parties), control (making money I earned one of my Gods), and humor ( one of my greatest coping mechanisms). These things carried on into full blown destructive sins in adulthood for me. Oh and I still hated the boys...the thought of that group of people, even running into them filled me with anxiety and terror.
When I was 17, I was at a dance club in downtown Pontiac called "Industry"; some of you Detroit kids may remember that place. I saw one of the boys there , I cant even remember which one it was now...I do remember being filled with terror...that terror of running into them again remained with me until I was about 3o years old.
I was working at my first professional accounting job in Norton Shores Michigan. Our secretary was close to my age and kept inviting me to church. God was drawing me in. I laughed at her, I was arrogant, I told her I was a Jew. etc etc etc. The truth was I'd actually been to many churches in the area over a number of years living in Grand Haven. I gave up on them. I liked the message, I liked Jesus. I didn't completely understand Jesus' death on the cross. Actually I didn't understand it at all. I thought Jesus was just a moral teacher and a socialist democrat quite frankly. When I'd go to these churches, I'd always sit in the back and feel too dirty to be there. I'd look around at these clean happy intact families and just feel like I wasn't them. I was broken, and honestly it was hard for me to keep it all together at times. I felt alone, I believed that not one person there would be able to identify with my experiences in life. So I wouldn't return to them. But I visited many of them, one sermon at a time here and there.
But this gal kept inviting me, and I kept declining the offer. One day in the fall of 2007 and in the season of invitation to this church, I came across an obituary of one of those boys on the social media website "Myspace". He took his own life. One of his fraternal twin brothers wrote a lengthy piece about him. Through his brothers written tribute as an adult, I learned that this man suffered through depression most of his life. I learned that the brothers parents worked all the time and they were left home alone from an early age to their own devices. I learned that they had been exposed to pornography videotapes that were left in that home. I learned that day how broken he was. I truly believe that God gave me a window that day so I could see things from His vantage point instead of my own limited human one. This man was just broken, from childhood.....this boy who I'd hated and had "wished" for horrible things to transpire in his life..... He was just a broken person who needed Jesus....then it hit me... #metoo. I too, was just a broken person who needed Jesus. I surrendered that day to God...to Jesus, and I forgave all of them. I was grieved over the bitterness I'd held onto for so long. I would do anything to rewind this life and tell him he was forgiven before he took his own life. I was ashamed for hating him. My life was forever changed that day. Forgivesness, there is nothing sweeter and more freeing than it. That was the season where my clinical anxiety and depression left me forever.
As far as I know, and from what I've heard....one of the other brothers who may or may not have been one that assaulted me, eventually became a rabbi helping people recover from drug addictions. This week with the Judge Kavannaugh saga thats been unfolding, I actually looked at almost every single persons social media page that was part of that group that assaulted me and tormented me. They had pictures of their wives, their beautiful kids. They weren't the same people they were back in 1989. None of us are. I was HAPPY for them, I root for them...their pictures of their families made my heart full. Thats what forgiveness can do.
Listening to Doctor Fords testimony yesterday, some things were similar. Some things, not all things in that she wasn't actually raped. I still really felt for her though because it was evident that she had serious emotional issues. Something clearly happened to her at some point in her life she has not healed from. From my own experience its very possible that she could have accused the wrong person. My situation happened 29 years ago, with no alcohol. Her trauma happened nearly 40 years ago with alcohol. When I looked at her face, It was evident how much that anxiety has affected her as a person. And I was THANKFUL that by the grace of God, I've been released and healed from that captivity. Jesus heals, He turns victims into Victors.....what are you waiting for?????? #Jesus #Forgiveness #healed
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