The eye of the Storm

This is what happens when you have a child with Red flags for autism:

You go online and discover three thousand different treatments that costs thousands of dollars each. Supposedly, you're supposed to just pick one and hope it works because if you don't you're out another few thousand on the next treatment. No one in the autism community or the medical community can agree on anything. Jenny McCarthy uses the biomedical approach and Dr's prefer the ABA training approach. Basically on the left we have a community who wants to treat the inside of the child, and on our right we have a group who wants to treat the behaviors. Both groups are highly skeptical of eachother. Now you're left with a bunch of confused parents and kids who need help. Oh and timing is very important. I'm constantly reminded of how important early intervention is. It's just what intervention I'm actually supposed to be using. I have no idea which direction to take, and even if I did, I couldn't afford any of them.

My instinct tells me there is something wrong with Coopers insides that are causing autistic traits. I faxed his pediatrician a bunch of information of internal yeast infections and leaky gut syndrome. He said he'll be open to new ideas, but he reccommended I look into Lovaas and Play Project.

I contacted Play Project today and talked with a consultant. For $3,900 I can have a consultant visit my homes six times during a one year period and give me tips on how to interact with my boys. This also includes a website membership to chat with other parents, most likely to complain about how we just got suckered into spending $3,900 for the program.

The Play project consultant suggested I go see a neurologist in Grand Rapids that can do the full testing and give a diagnosis. That would only cost me $1,200 per child. So for $6,300 I get it in writing they have autism and a consultant drives to my house six times. This is supposed to be the cost effective approach.

The Lovaas method requires me to basically hire a swat team of professionals to come in and train my kids for 25-30 hours per week for a year.

Keep in mind that none of these methods is concerned with whats going on inside my boys bodies which my insides (or gut if you will) are telling me this is where the problem lies.

I read in all my hours I've spent googling biomedical research on autism that removing milk could alleviate autistic behaviors. I tried this with both boys. Cooper is noticeably better when he doesn't drink milk. By noticeable I mean he doesn't rock and make wierd grunting sounds and he will look at you instead of staring into space. With Darby, there is no noticeable difference, so Darby drinks cows milk. Cooper drinks Rice milk or soy milk. Now Rice milk is nearly $4 for a half gallon. With cows milk averaging around $2 for a full gallon, I'm paying nearly 4x the cost of regular milk to give Cooper an alternative milky white beverage. And that was hurting our budget. That is peanuts compared to this other therapy!

I have no idea what to do. It's a frustrating place to be. I wish I knew the right direction to take.

Lord, can you light a path for me and maybe part a red Sea or two? We've got some big hills to climb and I'm going to need your getting up them. I promise to give you all the credit.

Miles is Wise

Miles and I talked last night about his dad telling him he doesn't believe in God or anything in the Bible...

I told him it must be confusing for him to hear each of his parents telling him different things, but ultimately he has the freedom to make up his own mind.

Me: What do you think Miles of your dad not believing in God

Miles: I think God is True

Let me pause here to just say how much I loved this response. God is True. Not, "I believe in God", or "God is real", but GOD IS TRUE

From the Gospel of John 14:6...

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

Me: Why don't you think your dad believes in God

Miles: Because he thinks he can do it all on his own

Me: Do you think he can?

Miles: Nope

Transformation Revelation

You know what I realized this week after chopping my hair off? I don't really care for the cut, but Im totally okay with it being gone.
A few years ago before I had my identity all wrapped up in Christ, I would have cried over this haircut and the loss of my old"look". It's because I used to be so invested in ME and wrapped up in how I looked. What else did I have to hold on to? My biggest fear would be a seperation from God, but he tells us...

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 38

Nothing can seperate me from the Lord, by his stripes I am healed.

"who also sealed us and gave us the Spirit in our hearts as a pledge"
2Corinthians:1:22

HE has sealed my heart, I am His.

My children are my Issacs

The other day Zoe told me that her dad tells her thing she's not allowed to tell me or her grandma. My ears perked right up. Zoe has trouble keeping secrets though, so she spilled. Her dad told her that he smokes marijuana and he talked to her about "theology". He told her that he doesn't believe in God, or creation, or the Bible. Poor Miles who was right across the hallway in his room (this was at Grandma's house) could hear the conversation that there is no God.How was he supposed to process this information. He had noone to talk to, and John never went to his room afterwards to let him ask questions.
I decided Lord to give this one to you. Zoe and Miles will be my Issacc offering to you. I can't control the foolish things their dad tells them. Although I think it's inappropriate to tell an 11 year old girl that its okay to smoke pot, I'm grateful that Zoe can be open with me. Lord please give both Zoe and Miles wisdom to see what is right. Please give them wisdom and understanding. It must be so confusing for them to have a parent they love share these things with them. I won't try to control the situation because I know it won't work. I fully surrender this to you because I know your work is greater than anything I could come up with. Please keep Zoe and Miles close to you as they try to sort out everything we teach them. Pour your love and light into their hearts and protect them Lord. Let them know that nothing good has to be kept in secret. Let them know Lord that all things from you are to be shared.

I rejoice in you Jesus, thankyou for lifting my burdens.
Your child, Jen

The Lord answered my prayers

I just had to share how God showed up on my behalf today...Last year I was overcharged on a credit card from Spirit airlines. $20 worth of baggage became $80. I called the credit card company, faxed over all my supporting detail that I was supposed to pay $20 and they denied my dispute. Out of principal, I paid off the balance, not including the additional $40 I was charged. Just for the record, this doesn't work. I had late fees of like $300 by January of this year and my credit score dropped to like 638. So I called the collections department and talked with a woman named Jessica. I explained the situation and after she finally saw my side of it, she agreed to erase all late fee's and fix my credit report if I would pay $41 that day. I was relieved and gladly paid the $41 just to fix my credit score.

Unfortuantely my balance never was cleared and letters kept coming. My credit report still had this giant stain on it.
I was lied too.

I called back and talked to Jessica again. She refamiliarized herself with my case and told me she would take care of it, to check again in another 2 weeks.2 weeks later, everything is still the same. I called back several times between the end of January and April. The last 3 calls, I was told the request to wipe charges off went to a seperate office and they were waiting for an answer. Now I had bee told this was a sure thing, not a maybe.I called back again, still told to call back the next week.

Finally, I called today and the employee tells me they dont know who Jessica is, its not noted in my file and Im responsible for the payment. I was so frustrated, i asked to speak to a supervisor.The supervisor gets on the phone and I tell him the situation. My biggest problem is I have NOTHING in writing that this Jessica employee agreed to wipe all these fee's. I just got her first name and trusted her. The supervisor again puts me on hold for 10 minutes. This time, I prayed to God that this supervisor, Marlin,would see the injustice and clear the charges, I pleaded for the Lord to see my side and fix this so I could put it to rest. I was completely frustrated and I brought it all to the Lord.
The Supervisor came back and told me he's going to clear all the charges (I did have to pay a $19 balance associated with the original airline fee, no big deal) I've been waiting for this for three months! Thankyou Jesus.

Then, I had received a voicemail while I was on the phone with this credit card company from Holland hospital....

Last fall it was suggested the boys go to feeding therapy. We were told it was covered by our insurance. We have a $2,000 deductible, and unaware the this therapy would have to run thru the deductible funds first. We went to Spectrum hospital for the first therapy , then they sent us to Holland hospital for the second session. These sessions are 45 minutes of sitting the boys in a high chair and spoon feeding them baby food (I had to bring the food). 2 months later we we received 2 bills(one for each twin) from Spectrum totaling $530.00, feeding therapy...45 minutes.A week later we received 2 bills(one for each twin) from Holland hospital totalling $700. feeding therapy 45 minutes. A few weeks later Cooper fell down our laundrey chute and was taken in an ambulance to the ER(Thank the Lord, he only suffered a black eye aftyer falling ten feet head first to a cement floor). Even more bills arrived. We started getting collection letters. I sent a request to Holland hospital asking them if they could give us any sort of cut on our bill. 10%, 30%, whatever would be appreciated.The voicemail I received was from Amanda at Holland hospital telling me they decided to give us 100% charity and removed the $700 balance!!!!!

God showed up today on my behalf. I am grateful to you Lord. Thankyou for answering my prayers and then giving me even more than what I asked for. You are an adundant God and I praise you and love you!!!

Invisible

So you know from my  last  blog post  I just chopped all my hair off on Saturday. It was a pretty drastic cut; six whole  inches! I know I said five before, but I need to embellish a little for dramatic effect here. I expected everyone would notice as I went about my normal activities. No one at church on Sunday noticed. I sat in my bible study group with people I see  at least twice a week. I share some pretty serious personal stuff with them. Nobody said a word.

So this morning I go to work and I'm thinking everyone is going to say holy Crap Jen! You completely chopped all your hair off! Only my friend Jen at the front desk noticed (and right away!) I'm telling you this is a drastic cut. No one else blinked an eye. The guys I work alongside all day long, we share 45 hours of our week together. Not one word!  I don't think people even look at me. I felt completely invisible. I went up to various people during the day and initiated conversations to see if anyone would look up and notice, nada.

It wasn't really a swanky cut that I wanted to show off, it just seemed impossible to me that everyone wouldn't notice how different it looked. This is my before and after so you see I'm not overreacting. I work with these people all freaking week long, how is this not noticeable? Are they on drugs? I'm almost tempted to pierce my lips and dye my hair aqua just to see if I get a reaction. Maybe I'll show up next week wearing a gorilla suit.

five inches gone

Oh yea, I cut my hair!!

Finally, Spring is here, the air is warm, the grasses are greening, flowers busting out of the dground. And the best of all, we can go to the park!! No more living room confinement. Lets run around and get our feet dirty, eat watermelon, blow bubbles! I missed you Spring and summer, I'm so glad you're back :)

Jellyface

Cooper is on the left here, this is what happens when you give a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwhich to a toddler and leave the room for a minute. They really like to rub stuff all over their faces. Cooper is a true jelly warrior, today.

Who's Doug?

Darby says "Doug" alot, at least thats what it sounds like. Mike says that one day a man will show up at our door and say "Is Darby home,...I'm Doug". But that hasn't happened yet, and neither of us knows anyone named Doug. Darby also likes to say Hiiyeeee, Hiiyeee, right before he's about to do something scandelous, like run into traffic, or climb over the partition between our kitchen and living room. Here he is gearing up to make a run for our road, and calling "Doug"

Darby explores the woods

Finally, one of my children likes the woods behind our house!

Mom, this is so beautiful, why didn't you tell me before we have this amazing wooded area right in our backyard??

I think I'll put my treehouse right here

Lets pitch a tent

Jews celebrate 'Dawn of creation'

'It was like seeing the sun for the very first time'
Across the world Jewish people have been celebrating Birkat Hachama, or the "feast of the sun", as Erica Chernofsky witnessed in Jerusalem at daybreak.
The blare of a ram's horn filled the early morning air, alerting the thousands of people gathered at the Western Wall that the sun was about to rise.
When it finally appeared above the ancient stones on Wednesday, the crowd gasped in unison and then began to recite a special blessing: "Blessed are you, Lord our God, king of the universe, who makes the works of creation."
To those standing at Judaism's holy place, known to them as the Temple Mount, this was no regular sunrise but one that only occurs every 28 years.
The Sun Blessing - Birkat Hachama in Hebrew - takes place when the sun returns to the point at which it was, Jewish tradition says, when God created the world thousands of years ago.

How many chances do you get to do something like this?
Shelby Atkin
"What an amazing experience," says Joel Atkin, who came to watch with his daughter Shelby, 17.
"It was like seeing the sun for the very first time."
"How many chances do you get to do something like this?" Shelby asks excitedly.
The source of the ancient tradition comes from the Talmud, a set of holy Jewish writings which states that, "he who sees the sun at its period recites the blessing".
"Its period," it later explains, recurs every 28 years on the vernal equinox, the date when the sun crosses the equator.
It is more commonly known as the first day of spring, when Jews believe the sun was created.
In the Biblical book of Genesis, the sun, along with the moon and stars, was created on the fourth day, which in modern times translates to Wednesday.
The sun returns to this position, believed to be its first position, every year.
Archaic calculations
But only once every 28 years does this happen on the vernal equinox (as calculated by Jewish tradition) and on a Wednesday - just as Jews believe it did when the universe was created.

Some view the Birkat Hachama as an important reminder not to take the Sun's energy for granted
"It's one of those occasions you just don't miss," echoes Jeremy Shebson, in Jerusalem from London on holiday.
"The one thing we don't appreciate are all the wonders of the world, and an event like this makes you appreciate something that happens every day."
As the sun begins to slowly rise higher above the Wall, the throngs of Jewish men clad in black and white prayer shawls, their heads adorned with tefillin (black leather boxes containing Bible scrolls), jostle for the best spot.
A few women shed tears as the sun lights up the morning sky, and hold up their prayer books to block the sharp rays as they recite the special blessing.
'Outdated'
However, the tradition is deemed by many to be based on archaic calculations, which today are known to be erroneous.

I heard this could bring redemption, and I came because I want redemption to come today!"
Tzippora
Two thousand years ago, Judaism, along with other Middle Eastern cultures, believed the length of the year was 365 days plus 6 hours.
But centuries later, Judaism readjusted the calendar year to 365 days, five hours and 55 minutes, while modern science now puts the year at 365 days, five hours and 48 minutes - 12 whole minutes less than the original calculation.
This small discrepancy adds up when multiplied by thousands of years.
Today, the event was actually celebrated 19 days later than the real first day of spring, which fell on 20 March, explains Professor Ariel Cohen of the astronomy and atmospheric physics department at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem.
"So it's a very nice tradition but 2,000 years ago, it was a tradition based on scientific values, and today they need to re-evaluate,' he says.
"Now that we know it is no longer accurate we have to either modify the tradition or abandon it completely."
Rabbis acknowledge this inaccuracy but stress that the mathematical calculations are less significant than the meaning behind a tradition that has been kept by Jews for centuries.
"There are many opinions as to when exactly to say Birkat Hachama, some even say you should recite the blessing if you haven't seen the sun in three days because it is cloudy," says Rabbi Shlomo Vilk.
"But it's not the day which is important, it's about appreciating the creation of the sun, such a powerful source of energy that we all take for granted."
This year, the event has added significance as it falls on the eve of the holiday of Passover, marking the exodus of the Jewish people from Egypt.
Some rabbis even view it as a sign heralding the coming redemption and coming of the Messiah.
"In Judaism we want the Messiah to come every day, but we do say there are times that are more opportune and significant," explains Rabbi Mordechai Genut, an astronomy expert and prominent figure in the ultra-orthodox Jewish community.
"It doesn't mean it will happen, but it's a good sign."
Rabbi Vilk relates redemption less to the cosmic event and more to the people who celebrate it.
"The Messiah will come if we will all be good. If everyone goes out to say this blessing, the Messiah will come because we appreciate what we have and bless God for it."
While not everyone who woke up early to witness the special sunrise expected the Messiah, Tzippora, 42, had not entirely ruled it out:
"I heard this could bring redemption, and I came because I want redemption to come today!"

weighted vests

Mike is out of town this weekend and Zoe and miles went to Sanibel island with their grandparents. The last month or so I've been rotating twins when going to church on Sunday, that way its easier for the volunteers helping in nursery to only have to calm down or prevent one toddler from throwing every toy off the shelf to the floor, or spinning, or crying , or screaming at a decibal that shatters glass two miles away.

But this Sunday, palm Sunday as they call it, Mike is gone, and both boys came to Church. I skipped my Sunday morning Bible study and made french toast and bacon for the boys instead. I tried to do everything right. Good nights sleep, check. Good breakfast, check. Cuddle time with each of them on the couch for at least 10 minutes each (20 for Cooper), check.
I even brought their weighted vests so they could get some deep pressure stimulation while they played.

Now I have to go off on a seperate tantrum about these weighted vests. Lord, is this just a cruel joke, honestly? You blessed me with two boys I can barely tell apart, with some sort of disability, maybe autism, maybe sensory dysfunction that noone can quite figure out. You made them heavier than all the other children their age , they are literally off the charts in weight, height, ect. Thats great and all, but they are heavy and need to be lifted alot. Then one of the key therpaies suggested is a weighted vest?? Seriously?, 6lbs each. So beyond lugging around 70 pounds of baby, and diaper accessories for two, I get to haul around an additional 12 pounds of clothing? Okay, I know you have a plan, I'll quit my complaining, just had to vent a little.

So anyways, all was good until we hit the church parking lot, Cooper was unhappy, not sure why. I carried him and their 50 pounds of accessories into the church with Darby in tow. Would it be cruel to get a leash at this point? Did I mention the stairs we have to hike to the nursery. I don't understand how I'm still so overweight considering that I do this twice a week.

After we got to the nursery, Darby ran off down the hallway and Cooper tripped and smacked his head . After someone caught Darby and returned him and I hugged Coopers hurt away, it took Cooper all of about 2 minutes to completey remove every toy from the closest shelves. Boxes of train tracks, balls, every truck and car dumped in a 3 foot diameter pile around him. Then he was upset at the mess, when he tried to move he would trip. He was just an unhappy camper so I took him to the service with me. He lasted about 4 minutes but he seemed to cheer up a bit after being able to stare at the ceiling fan for a minute and sit on my lap. So back to the nursery we went. I put on some veggie tales and he found a basket of baby dolls. He was delighted. Phew. And I still got to hear a brilliant sermon. So I guess I could say it was a successfull outing right. Nothing broken, no emergency room visits, and both boys left with a cookie.

Dealing

When Darby and Cooper were almost a year old I noticed something wasn't quite right. They didn't seem to notice or care if you came or went. They didn't make very good eye contact and wouldn't lift their hands out and up for us to pick them up. Their pediatrician insisted I call the group "Early on". They came to our house with their notepads, questions, and bubbles and watched their interaction( well, lack of). At the end of the visit it was clear that both my boys were displaying multiple red flags for autism.

The first week I just cried, and cried, and then cried some more. I was a wreck. It's been almost a year since their first early on visit, since then they've had several. They've definately made some progess, but still have a long way to go. Darby says "Hi" now and Cooper claps his hands. Those were HUGE milestones for them.

It's been rough again lately. I really have to accept where they are and go from there. But where do we go? Thats the most frustrating thing about it. Some kids with autism turn out fine and are able to join a regualr classroom. Some autistic kids never talk and never recover. I just don't know what their future will be. it breaks my heart. But at some point I've got to quit crying, and start accepting.

Father God,
Please help me accept that My dreams for my boys have been replaced with YOUR plan. Your plan is more challenging but offers eternal rewards that I can't see. I will praise you in my sadness and trust that you know what you're doing. Please give me eyes to see. Guide my steps, light my path, as I raise Darby and Cooper. Lord, wipe my tears and strengthen my heart so I
can keep it together and raise these boys to become God glorifiers. Please use my boys to glorify your name and heal them in your way. Keep them and bless them all the days they walk this earth. I trust you.