Act 2- a pity trail of isolation, rejection and sorrow.

I've been going through a multi year  season of snowballing  rejection and isolation that Ive rejected to acknowledge properly over the years .  . The symptoms of my pain seem to only rear their head when I'm at church which makes going to church difficult at times.  I get ridiculously  embarrassed when I  cry in church, so I try to hide it which makes me feel even more isolated  from my church. You don't want to be that one girl who is weeping like the prostitute at Jesus' feet wiping his feet with her tears around a bunch of people who don't know you, its humiliating....so I'm thankful I have long hair because I can usually hold my head down and my hair will hang down and I can just quietly weep my heart and  pain out  to Jesus without strangers noticing. I usually just have to survive getting out of there quickly when its ended so no one notices me. I've gotten somewhat good and hiding it and holding it all in this last year , so its reduced down to just appearing to have some  allergies on my best days.   I love my church, its a gospel preaching and teaching church that handles Gods Word with great care. I've been toggling with the idea of getting counseling just to deal with some of the grief I experienced this last year with my mom dying and the subsequent awfulness of being rejected by my remaining family members and how the entire gamut  of crap I never got over just needs to be dealt with.

I've been accustomed to being rejected by the world and my old friends. It doesn't even phase me anymore. I just expect it.  I think thats why I have this need to feel accepted by Gods people....its the safe place i want to run to when the rest of the world despises me for my faith which has been rooted in boldness and truth. Jesus has been my resting place, my place of sanctuary. But He has called me to fellowship with other believers and I recognize my need for it.

I was at my first women's conference yesterday after attending my church for seven years. Jeff and I recently joined a small group and they suggested everyone go. So , as part of my action plan to feel connected to this church family...I went. I ended up getting separated from my small group , which was just coincidental and definitely not intentional...but even that small insignificant event where I was sent to the far outer corners and separated had me so hurt and weepy, I've realized this is something I need to identify, pray about,  and deal with head on because I'm not going to spend the rest of my life crying every time I'm at church. So here I am at 4:27 am on an early Sunday morning doing just that. If you're reading this and you're experiencing rejection and loneliness and isolation (perceived or real), you're not alone. Satan is a real asshole, and he'll do everything to separate and isolate us....lets be diligent in fighting back, by the power given to us, in the name of the Lord.

I'm going to walk through my story the best I can to try and identify the scenes that Satan uses on me to get me to this place of isolation and sadness...

BC:

Before Christ (in my life), I visited nearly every church in this area at least once as a broken hearted sinner who needed a savior...without understanding what any of that even  meant.  I was a single mom living in poverty with a dysfunctional upbringing I'd also repeated in my own life as I got older. I was living in West Michigans bible belt with no family around except my two kids I was raising alone. My ex husband was in prison for drug related charges. His family was Christian reformed...and I just wasn't really their churches normal  type...or at least that's how I felt...I'm not really sure if they understood the reality that Jesus came to save messed up people like me and had the power to actually heal and transform my heart. They never invited me to their church. But I visited from time to time; always different churches ,  because I always liked to hear about Jesus and was intrigued by him since my teenage years. I was broken hearted from my life, trying to figure out how to feel normal and put together like the people around me in these churches appeared to be,  while  my kids sat  in a nursery with different strangers at different churches here and there sporadically for many years . I never returned to the same church. I always was the visitor looking in from the outside . My story was too messy and shocking really I believe for most people Id encountered to handle. I would sit far in the back  and look around at families sitting there together and just feel dirty and broken and not  good enough.


My twins:

My twins were born when I was 30 , Zoe and Miles were 7 and 9 years old. God brought me into truth. He grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and had me in a church and saved me by His Word. The light went on. I surrendered everything and my life was pretty radically changed and my thoughts and mind began the process of being renewed. . I was being healed from things in my past...a bullying experience from my youth, being raised without a dad who cared to be part of my life...just all that junk I had, God was bringing all sorts of stuff to the surface and just healing me,  and giving me an understanding of who He was. My head and heart were being filled with truth for the first time.  My twins were only 4 or 5 months old when it began. It was awesome.

By the time my twins were 8 months old, my pastor was forced to step down and ended up in jail for his provocative meetings with a church member who happened to also be on the worship team and happened to be related by marriage to my pastor. It was messy. I still don't really understand what happened.  But it didn't shake my faith at all. I knew Jesus was my rock, and my hope wasn't in that pastor...it was rooted in  Christ. I watched lifelng believers walk away from the faith. But God started something in me that would never allow me to return to who I was before. I started visiting other churches and ended up at Hope church in Grand Haven for a few years. I loved Hope. I did Bible studies and was always warmly received. I probably felt like a little bit of an outsider with the core group , but I always seemed to find enough people to make it feel like a family.

At Hope on a Sunday, there was a  sermon  that was followed by a church potluck.  The pastor told a story about a terminally ill woman who requested she be buried with her fork because "the best was yet to come" and how people would always remark at church potlucks to " keep your  fork"  because the dessert that followed was always the best part....she knew something better was coming. ...it was a longer story and you're welcome to google it, you'll find it quite easily. The story moved me, I absolutely loved it., We followed up the sermon that Sunday morning with a potluck so it was a  fitting story for the day . I stood at the back of the line, full of hope , waiting to eat thinking about that story. By the time I loaded up my plate and  went to grab a  fork, the person ahead of me had taken the last one...and there were none left. Realizing I was at the back of the line and just having heard the sermon, this troubled my spirit quite a bit. I was a bit misty eyed as I went to sit down with my food and no fork heavily grieving the symbolism of the matter and trying to keep to myself. The pastor of the church must have noticed because he actually tapped me on the shoulder a few minutes later to hand me a fork. I was so relieved I probably cried. I told my mom this story which was early on in my Christian walk and she never forgot it. I'd actually completely forgotten this happened, and she brought it up to me a few month before she died....how much that story stayed with her and how happy she was that my pastor gave me a fork. I'm so thankful she remembered so I could remember how God was with me that day.

When my twins were about a year old they started experiencing red flags for autism. That took me on a new kind of journey of isolation I never expected. I'll skip the divorce and other factors that were difficult during those years and just say that stuff was extremely difficult for some time  but God has been relentlessly faithful to me...despite me....even when I failed Him, He never failed me...NEVER. And I can't stress enough that this was not because I did everything right, I did the opposite...I was a mess.I tried...I loved God, I was growing in my faith,  but my flesh and sinful nature struggled with doing it all the right way. He never left me, He walked with me and He blessed me in ways I never knew were possible, completely despite me. Theres a passage in the book of Timothy.."God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble". this is my life verse. God has consistently humbled me, my own sin has humbled me,  and then he subsequently blessed me with His grace...the verse is true.

Because my twins ended up having autism, or Aspergers, or "spectrum disorder" or whatever they call it now ....social things were tough. We didn't have the typical experiences you might have with your normal child. Church was tough. My kids were usually the two toddlers in nursery throwing large objects around the room, licking people, and screaming. I spent a lot of time in the nursery..even on weeks I wasn't scheduled to work in the nursery...that bright red flashing number during service was often  flashing for me to come rescue a nursery volunteer from my boys....when It wasn't, I was so grieved half the time over their condition and my home life,  I spent many sermons alone in an empty church room just crying out to God to heal my boys.

They never got invited to birthday parties, we were never invited to play dates. No one ever wanted to come to our playdates, neighbor kids didn't want to play with them, eventually you just give up on that stuff.  My kids were just too quirky and things were just too hectic. I would bring them to the parks and carnivals and such for some social interaction , it was just hard and we always managed to get alot of people staring at us wondering what on earth was wrong with them.  Even if we were invited over to play at someones house, it was just embarrassing because my boys were so obviously different, loud, hectic and something would inevitably be broken...it was just easier to stay away from other people. We would never  be invited over twice.  It was nearly impossible to just carry on a conversation...so that started a new season of isolation for me.

I think I ended up on facebook honestly so much when I lost my job 4 years ago because I am such a social person. I love to connect with people, work was the only place I could do that...I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum from my kids. I do great socially and with new people. So  facebook and social media gave me a chance to engage with people when I was prohibited from doing so  because of my kids. Normally I'd have friends and playmates and sleepovers as I had with my older kids...so I've used  social media to fill that gap. Today that's changing  slightly  as my boys are getting older...but for a decade that has just been our reality.

When they were five years old, I sat in a roomful of public educators who told me my kids couldn't be in a regular kindergarten classroom, they needed to separate them from the "regular kids" and keep them  with the small group of emotionally impaired kids. I was devastated. I left that meeting and returned to work and just cried in my little cubicle. God gave me a compassionate friend in that season of life who had just started working next to me....I'm so grateful for her. I eventually convinced her to come to Harvest and join a small group. Then I had front row seats to a miracle God did in her marriage years later.

In 2011, a few things happened that made me decide to leave Hope church. The main reason was my boys had turned four and the policy during that time was they were to sit with me for the first 30 minutes during prayer requests, announcements and worship. I knew this wasn't something my kids could handle, or me for that matter. The second reason I left (which was made easier by the first reason). I was going through  a very tough breakup and divorce from my ex husband who wanted me dead. He decided after years of not going to church with me that he would go in an attempt to change my mind. I wanted to give him the space without us there to prove he was in it for the long haul and not just to temporarily manipulate me again. . He only went for a few weeks before he stopped.   It was a temporary move motivated by his want to have me cancel the divorce. I had already started going to Harvest by that point and no one had reached out to me from Hope. So it just seemed like it was Gods providence to move me.

  I joined a small group at my church 2 years later in the fall of 2013. I was so excited to connect with people from my church finally. I really knew I needed to surround myself with other believers to keep from being isolated as I had been for  so many years with my kids. I was open and transparent , which is just something God allowed me to be since I had  become a believer in 2007. I had freedom in Christ! from my transgressions and openly shared who I was, my victories,  my struggles win sin past and present, and Gods faithfulness.  I wasn't able to come every week  because I was a single parent again which I explained to my group leaders, a husband and wife team. ...I had  four kids under my roof; two with Aspergers in special education and a full time job. Still, no family in the area. Jeff was still living in Delaware, we'd been dating for alomst two years.    A babysitter wasn't really an option for my twins. . So the weeks they were with me, I didn't go to group...every other Wednesday night they spent with their dad...I went to small group. That lasted a few months. I could sense that I didn't seem to have the same warm reception with this group I was used to in christian circles and former bible studies at the other two churches Id attended.  I figured that might eventually change as we got to know each other better. I thought it would help if I reached out to meet with the gal who led our group to make sure she didn't feel awkward with me because she was part of my first church and involved with the pastor who went to jail...and she was the victim in that messy situation. So I thought perhaps she was uncomfortable that I knew the family and that was their source of palpable discomfort with me. The pastor of that first church where things were sour for her, their pastor's sister had been instrumental in leading me to Christ. I knew from working with the pastors sister, the two families were at odds with each other in court and personally. She assured me that it wasn't an issue at all, so I believed her.

I went to work one day in February of 2014 , shortly after my arrival, I was called into a conference room and told the finance department was being restructured and my senior accountant position was being eliminated. I knew I was just being fired in a nice way because I was constantly being called to the schools to get my kids who were out of control and I wasn't able to perform to the level a normal person with a normal family might have. It was a good call on their part honestly and they gave me a generous severance package I'm so extremely grateful for. It still hurt. I worked there for five years and in a moment, I was escorted to my desk by security to pack my shit up before security walked me to my car. I knew the security guy, Id worked with him for years and he felt terrible and told me repeatedly he knew how ridiculously it was being handled and that it was just protocol he had to follow from corporate.  There was no cake, no  party, no goodbye....no thank you...just a swift kick to the curb. A few people called me from work that week which I really appreciated. One has consistently stayed my friend, she's the one who goes to Harvest with us now .  She  organized an informal  farewell party for me not long after at a local pub. I think three  or four people showed up. I was the "christian" girl at work. My faith didn't exactly make me many close friends with all the atheist scientists I worked and conversed with. Actually she and I both worked with a group of scientists we were always witnessing to and thought of as friends. Neither one of us were invited to their weddings...I think it was the Jesus stuff.

The day after I was fired. it was a Wednesday night so I went to my church small group. I came in early because my group leaders sent me a message they wanted to meet with me. I arrived and they asked me to step into a conference room. It felt awkward right away. I knew something was up and I couldn't believe the irony that I'd just been called into another conference room to be fired the day before. They relayed to me that other group members weren't comfortable with me in their group because I wasn't able to be there every week.  I'd already sensed the times I was there that I wasn't liked by them. I felt like I annoyed them. I was surprised because I'd always thought I was an affable person, ESPECIALLY to other believers in my church journey since Id become a believer. So I couldn't understand why they didn't like me (at least that was my perception, i'll never really know). It felt like they just wanted me out of their group  I went home and decided I'd probably do well to just stay with my kids and read the bible to them which is what I ended up doing. I emailed the entire small group thanking them for my time with them and letting them know I wouldn't be coming back to small group because my kids really needed me and that I'd be doing bible study with them because I was so pressed for time with them already. It was my attempt at a good farewell thank-you letter to them so it wouldn't feel awkward for anyone who saw me at church  that I just disappeared with no reason. I never alluded to my private meeting in that conference room with my group leaders. I waited for some responses, and not one person from my small group ever responded to that email...not one. That was really hard to understand and it baffles me to this day. I sort of told myself it must have just been lost with other emails they'd had...for all 18 of them.

Because I'd convinced myself  that  it wasn't intentional and must have just been a strange email glitch that everyone somehow had...I added some of these people on facebook still believing I had some friends from my new church. I liked and commented on their posts over the years. Over many years, I discovered that I'd never received a like or comment back from them. Years later, one of the gals from that small group actually posted one day that her son, who was my twins age, had a social issue that was Aspergers related; she was praying that he'd make friends in the upcoming school year. I excitedly commented that my boys too had social issues and we'd love to hang out if he ever needed a friend. I got no response. I still can't understand why.

It was great for my kids when I started staying home from work and we began  reading the bible together. They loved it and it was a way that we could really connect. A year or so later, i took my twins to church on a baptism Sunday. They knew what baptism was from reading the bible with me. They asked to be baptized. I wasn't sure if kids were able to be baptized so I asked an elder and was told they had just done a spontaneous baptism for a 7 year old in the service before. I struggled a  little bit with them getting baptized on account of their age and social condition but didn't feel right telling them no honestly. So I joyfully told my kids they could be baptized, and I was thrilled for them. We went downstairs to meet with some church leaders before they were baptized to talk to the boys. They asked them questions and my boys did their best to answer. But my kids have social issues, and their speech is difficult to understand, and their eye contact wasn't the greatest. At the end of it the deacons/elders told me they would not baptize the boys because they didn't think their story was good enough. I was shocked as we sat there honestly,because it just wasn't something I anticipated happening....which is totally my fault.  My kids ,excited  they were going to be baptized, were now trying to understand what was happening next as we sat there with the elders. The elders looking at me to communicate this to the boys. I did, with my voice cracking, as my boys both  started crying grappling to understand  what was happening as they  spun  into a fit like kids with Aspergers do...like yelling "why?"! and it was very difficult to calm them down in that moment and adequately explain the situation to them. My flesh and heart failed me. . I was so embarrassed by them and also so  hurt for them, and so embarrassed that I couldn't be stoic in that moment as their parent as I was crying myself.

 It was a horrible and awkward situation for both myself and these two deacons/elders  who I'm sure were horrified by the reaction of all 3 of us. They had no idea of our history, so I'm sure the entire scene was hard for them to process. I just wanted to escape so I grabbed the boys, thanked the deacons, and we left...we walked past the sanctuary while the baptisms were going on in tears, all three of us and ran out into the parking lot to get away. I had to text Miles  who was still watching baptisms to meet us in the car. And then we drove home crying.

I beat myself up over that because I should have prepared the twins for their baptism, I just didn't expect that they would ask to be baptized that day. I should have said no and prepared it for a later date. I struggled with it myself because of their age and Aspergers, but I decided "who was I to prevent anyone from being baptized?" and I knew their hearts and motives were good , even if they weren't exactly a perfect or shining example of Christianity by that point . I beat myself up for never being prepared that they could be  denied for baptism and just getting upset and crying and embarrassing all of us..... especially Miles who was maybe 15 at the time. And in my transparent  fashion, I wrote a post on facebook the next day about our "church fail"....not our church failing us...but me going to church and failing in a disastrous way. I immediately realized that "church fail" wasn't being understood the way I intended as people started commenting about how the elders failed us trying to sympathize with what was obviously a situation that sucked. And I'd respond to give clarity that it was a great church and we're all flawed human beings  and these things just happen from time to time and I should have been more prepared instead of allowing for a spontaneous baptism etc etc etc.  I'm still not mad at these two men, its just what happened that day. But it hurt, it hurt like hell...it still makes me cry when I think about it. My kids still haven't been baptized to this day. They may never have a good enough story, and I don't know if I have the heart to have them do a public baptism  with me around  because I don't know what kind of debacle could transpire from it or if I could hold it together.


Harvest has changed their policy since my "church fail" on how kids are baptized.  Kids no longer can do spontaneous baptisms because of us. A pastor seeing my post reached out to me and we met and I think it was good and we were on the same page. I never really know, its such a big church. I hope they don't resent me for it.

Jeff:

When Jeff and I were engaged and he still lived in Delaware. I called our church to do premarital counseling. I'd been married twice already. I'm the Samaritan woman. I'd never done premarital counseling before so I thought I'd try to do something right. Jeff couldn't come because he didn't live here yet. So we decided they would just meet with me first. I met with a husband and wife team and tried to give them a picture of who I was and the relationship I'd had with Jeff. I think I talked for 20 minutes straight. After I gave my transparent summary, the pastor told me I should break up with Jeff....and then I left premarital counseling. I'm so thankful I didn't break up with Jeff. He's been an incredible blessing to our family from God. I laughed about it with Jeff and to this day when I tell the story I always remark that after I talked about myself for 20 minutes in premarital counseling, the pastor  told me to break up with him. I believe he was really trying to save Jeff from me without even knowing him...he'd heard enough about who I was he knew this was a difficult situation for any man to enter. I'm so thankful my husband took a chance on me and my kids.

Speaking of the Samaritan woman. Its always funny to me now at a more stable time in my life, when I'm in conversations with different people...and this happens from time to time. We'll be talking in a group and someone will say about another person they know or just in general "you know she has like 3 kids by different dads and they all have different last names and she's been married multiple times". and everyone in the group  nods in disgust. The person they are describing is actually me, thats my story...and I always tell people that when I hear that conversation...I say it in a nice way, just because its true and people are always shocked...but its true. Thats me. Its humbling.

A few years ago I met a really awesome girl at our Thursday morning bible study lecture. She was in prison ministry and looking for volunteers. I was so excited to do this, I started the process with her help. She warned me that the chaplain was kind of difficult so I had a little heads up before this strange event unfolded. . I filled out security clearance forms she had me email to the deputy at the jail , more paperwork galore she had me send to the chaplain. Then I  waited...for weeks and then months . Then I called for a few weeks trying to see if I'd been accepted. When I finally got ahold of the chaplain, he told me I was rejected for my felony. I was shocked because I had no felony on my record. I asked him what my background check said my felony was for and he told me that the deputy said "I'd know what I did". I paid $35  to get a background check out of fear my identity was stolen. My record was clear. I sent my background report to the chaplain and the deputy who I was told denied me. The deputy wouldn't return my call for two weeks and the chaplain never responded. By that point I was just trying to clear my name.

When I finally had the deputy on the phone he told me I was never  denied for a felony, I'd been denied because the chaplain never turned in my other paperwork I'd filled out and sent him ...so he didn't know who I was. I called the Chaplain back to explain the situation to him and this information seemed to infuriate  him. He told me I was like a thief trying to break in through the back door for reaching out to the deputy on my own. This was all for a volunteer job...me working for no money to help society's rejected broken people. I never ended up getting that position. I did hear the chaplain was eventually fired though.

Jeff and I got married in Vegas. It was just easy. Our marriage has always been better than our cheap little drive through  wedding after dating for 4 years long distance!!!, but I wouldn't change any of it. We wanted to have a reception so we could celebrate with the kids. So the next summer we did just that. We wanted a pastor from Harvest to come because it was such a great opportunity for our friends and family to hear a gospel message. Most of them would  never set foot in a church or had that opportunity.  We requested Dave Wisen, but he had prior commitments. Then it was tossed to Calvin, but something eventually came up for him as well a few weeks beforehand. Then it was tossed to my old small group leader who actually did it. We invited he and his wife to the reception to stay for dinner but his wife didn't come, and the pastor left after he gave his blessing. I still get the feeling they don't like me, but its probably just my perception. I'll never know, and it really doesn't matter anyways. They have a great impact on many other people and I'm thankful for that.

Since Jeff and I married and he moved here, I've wanted to try small group again with him. He wanted to get his bearings straight first living in a new state, with a new job, and four kids so we never joined. He actually had a really good argument. It was more important for us to spend time with the kids and be together as a family while they were still young enough to make an impact. He thought the small group would take away from that, and he was right. He eventually joined toastmasters to improve his public speaking skills to overcome some hurdles at work. Thats been really positive for him and for our family since he's our sole provider.

I started going to the Thursday morning bible studies instead initially  because I thought that might be a good way to connect with people at church. I learned within minutes that  it wasn't a sit around and discuss topics with others like most  bible studies tend to be ....but it was such good teaching it was still a great blessing. And I have met a few women here and there from that group I've chatted with and gotten to know a little. Gods put women in my life the last few years in really tough situations. I've pointed them all to small groups which has been very positive for all of them. Its just been a season where my life wasn't so dramatic, I could sit and listen to other women and point them to Jesus. Later those same few friends would encourage me to join a small group because they loved theirs so much. But Jeff still didn't think it was the right time yet. He wanted to wait another year. So we waited.

My mom in Detroit ended up with pancreatic cancer and died 6 months later leaving me with a trust to divide, a home to sell, and just STUFF..stuff everywhere. She also left me with my extended family who didn't like me....first because I was a sinner on dead tour, then because I was a Christian. It was a pretty tough situation and at the end of it I had one person who stuck up for me...my stepdad who my mom had married in my mid twenties and she divorced just 3 years prior to her death. He knew how my family was and he loved me and my kids, even though he wasn't a believer, he was a secular Jew. He was diagnosed with cancer and died six months after my mom died.

The last time I saw him, we drove in for my moms headstone reveal at the cemetery in Detroit . Jeff and I drove in with the kids. We scheduled the revealing for 11am  so we'd have time to get there from west Michigan to be with the family to see my moms headstone.. When we arrived, the rest of my family decided to do it earlier, they didn't want to wait for us. So they came at 10:40 and left as we arrived.... all of them, grandma, aunt, cousins and half sister, nephews, etc. We drove to my grandmothers house afterwards to see them. They were all unhappy with me by that point. I saw my stepdad with his new girlfriend at my grandmothers house and he looked terrible and I could tell he wasn't going to make it, he had literally just been diagnosed the week before and was feeling and looking fine. He died a few  weeks later.

 He was my twins only papa. And the only family member that actually adored and loved them. He sent them cards on their birthdays, he called us...he was the dad I wished I'd had growing up. But he wasn't, he was the dad of four other daughters and many grandsons. When we went to his funeral, it was complicated because my mom had divorced him a few years before. I had only told my boys about their divorce the year before because they remained friends and I didn't want to upset the kids. We sat near in a pew right behind his daughters during the funeral. It was just myself, Miles and the twins. When his daughter gave the eulogy  she spoke about the love of his life Florence, his girlfriend he' d had the last two years. And she spoke of the love he had for his 4 daughters and his 8 grandkids which she named one by one. . My name wasn't included and more devastatingly my twins names weren't included. My twins were so upset they cried which made me cry. Darby said to me after the funeral "Papa would be so mad that they didn't say our names too "..."I know he would Bud, he LOVED you two and was so proud of you" I said. And I know he would have been. He knew how important his role as "Papa" was.

By the time we got to his funeral, my whole family was also mad at his whole family and me...for separate reasons I'll never fully understand. So when the funeral ended, I  just cried, then I stood up as everyone was greeting and laughing and making small chat and just cried and felt completely isolated. My kids went to the hall to see all his photographs they set up. I remember just looking around for someone, anyone to be there...but there was no one. My family stared coldly at me and avoided me and I didn't know many other people, and I was just sad. My mom had just died, He had just died and I was just wrecked with grief after running for a full year through cancer and issues with my family. So I stood there isolated  feeling  humiliated that I was crying, I gathered my boys and we left.

We went to his daughters house for shiva with the kids. My family never went. His daughter apologized to me, she felt so bad about leaving us out of his eulogy but was so worried that if she'd said our names and not my older sisters and her adult kids names, that my bipolar sister would cause a big scene during the funeral...which she may have done so it was a good point.  And she knew her father did not view my sister or her kids as his kids because they had been a constant source of pain and drain on he and my mother when they were married for fifteen years. So it was just the circumstance, again. Not intentional pain, just the way of this broken complex world. We didn't stay too long for shiva, it was to be a celebration with flip flops and beer as Howard requested.  I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate and drink, I was just sad. . So we made the 3 hour drive back home.

When my mom  died, she gave her dog, Lexi, to Howard. A month later, Howard called me to ask if I would take the dog if anything happened to him and I said I would. My twins obsessively loved this dog. So when he died six months later,  it was the one glimmer of hope for them that they would have this piece of their  grandma Patty and Papas dog. When my mom died, I walked through my moms house with Howard . He asked if he could take a bronze statue he'd had made with my mother on a roadtrip they took to Arizona. It was a statue of three elderly women sitting on a bench huddled together laughing. Of course I gave it to him and we both cried together. When he died 6 months later, I asked his daughter if I could have the statue as a reminder of them both. She told me Florence had already taken it (his girlfriend of 2 years). Florence  also couldn't part with my moms dog she'd been caring for the two weeks Howard was sick before he died, so that was taken away from my boys as well . I didn't fight it, because it was just stuff and honestly I didn't ever really want the dog but would have been happy to take her for my boys. We just grieved, we hurt, we got over it and moved on. All those things are temporary.

That was a tough year to go to church. I felt alone, I really wished I'd had a small group who knew me that could pray with me and counsel me through that time.  I think Jeff felt guilty that we never joined a group so  he signed us up for one at the end of the summer after I spent so many moments just crying myself to sleep with grief. How do you start a group with all that junk? If I figure it out, i'll write a book about it.

I've been nervous to join, I'll be honest. I'll hide behind my humor and try to put on a happy face...which I actually have most of the time. I just want to feel normal again, and be able to relate to people in my group without making them uncomfortable , or talking to much, or taking up too much time. And for the love, I would like to quit sporadically crying over little things because of other big things I just need to get over. They seem super nice, and its evident they all love the Lord.

I'm trying to be myself. I'm a little uncomfortable. We went to dinner together, I ordered a glass of red wine. I was the only one. Was that taboo? Was I not supposed to do that? These are the stupid small things i worry about now that I'm trying to fit in and not make anyone uncomfortable so I don't get fired again. . They encouraged everyone to go to the women's conference which Ive never gone too. But I purchased my ticket. , a few weeks later, I sent a text of my "deep" , seriously fleeting  random thought I had on my mind trying to be relatable on a weekday afternoon to the gals in my group . I didnt get much of a response. Do they think I'm weird? Did they take it the wrong way? oh no, did they think I meant them?? Church fail...again, me not them. I tried to explain myself further...I think it just made it more awkward...someone asked who it was that was texting them and I took a dumb goofy picture of my big head because I thought it might get some laughs....no response. Oh dear me, what have I done?

 I went to the conference yesterday morning to sit with my group. They'd actually reserved seats for everyone. Fortunately because it was so well attended all of our reserved seats were gone or spoken for . But the group in front of us had an open seat left so someone said just sit there...so i did. And I sat next to another gal I've known for many years. She attended the first church I ever went to. And her mom has also just passed awaytoo,  so it seemed like it was okay....okay yeah I'm feeling comfortable and relatable...I can totally do this!  Worship started and we all stood up and worshiped the Lord together....I didn't make it through one full song before I heard "Oh hey it looks like another person showed up, so she needs your seat". "Who me?, oh yeah of course, no problem, I'll be happy to move"....so I grabbed my belongings and tripped over a bunch of ladies feet trying to get out of the row under  the blanket of darkness (praise God!) bathed in worship lights. Eventually I was spit out into the open aisle next to the seats as I turned and headed for the back doors and I held my bible in front of my eyes so no one could see that I was childishly about to let the floodgates open ....I made it to the doors past the sanctuary towards the coat area before i started to openly cry and hyperventilate with no solid reason of explaining why I was doing this to anyone. . Again, embarrassed....just wanting to be alone....a woman spotted me and Im trying to tell her, remarking  that  I know its so childish and not a big deal at all, and such a ridiculous thing to cry over....its just all the other stuff leading up to it that was just TOO much to explain in the moment. How would you? So you don't, you just are embarrassed over how dramatic you appear to be....over and over and over again. Lord when does this chapter of my life end?

The woman  took my gift bag and set it on what was probably the only open seat left in the very far end of the back. I got myself together .....I  really wanted to leave, i stood there and really thought about leaving, ..It  would have been  so easy to  escape to my car at that point so I could cry and feel sorry for myself and save myself the embarrassment of staying there. I ran into a gal from our small group who was cleaning the bathroom. I think she said something about Satan attacking me...maybe it was someone else, I don't even remember.  Whoever said it, I knew they were right in that moment, that satan was  trying to isolate me and he'd been successful at it in many chapters of my life.  So I walked to my seat and just put my head down and my hands on the chair in front of me and just cried while all the women around me worshiped. The poor woman sitting near me was probably so confused. She did a great job just avoiding looking at me. I did okay during the conference, I had my moments but I held it together the best I could. I had taken handfuls of kleenex during breaks and stuffed my pockets before I went back in.  I even cracked jokes and made the lady next to me laugh during the actual conference....because that's what I do. Most comedians are just deeply hurt sinners, humor is how we manage to cope in life...we just get really good at it.

I ate lunch alone, because of where I ended up sitting my section was the first to actually get lunch. My small group was a few sections over. I was sitting next to a few girls who were chatting about another girl they knew who they spotted crying and I heard the one woman exclaim "yknow, shes just very dramatic".....and I teared up a little and just ate my sandwich with my head down..."Jen don't you dare lose it here, they don' need more drama queens" Just swallow that lump building in your throat and focus on your sandwich". Ten minutes later one of the women looked at me and sad, "hey you were the one that had to leave your seat weren't you?"...I said "yea its okay though, I found another seat"....she said "that's not right though, that wasn't right". I  said "no,its really okay...Im so glad theres so many women here it was hard to get seats' and I held my tears in....but at the same time I totally meant what I sadi. You see how I realize how irrational this sadness is?  I went back to the second set of worship and just cried for Jesus to heal my stupid broken heart. I probably cursed Satan and then  I just pressed my face into his chest as I closed my eyes and I weeped for many songs, too weak to even raise my hands and sing.

That gal from the prison ministry, she found me during one of our breaks and told me God wanted to bless me...and she gifted me a beautiful quilted bag she had made with the Harvest logo on it. That made me tear up too as I hugged her...at least she gave me a good excuse to be teary eyed: gratitude, and blessing. Small acts like that where God is telling me "Im right here"

I did make my way over to my group to chat during breaks...I wasn't going to be isolated...I know I'm under spiritual attack and I know God is allowing it....as much as I wanted to stay far away...I wasn't going to. By 3 pm though I was emotionally exhausted. I'd survived the day....the glimpses I had flashing through my head of literally every hurt I just outlined here through my church years. Just one snowballed with another one and another one until I realized the gravity of this pain I have and the need to be healed all over again. And if that stuff isn't enough I just think of my mom who I'd like to call and just vent to and I can't. ...that really doesn't help me much but it sure does help the kleenex companies sell their products.  And theres only one person who can handle this- Jesus...you have got this., you have to because Ive tried and I can't. ...please heal me in your will and in your timing...this week is a really good time for me if you are willing....I am REALLY sick of crying and feeling embarrassed. Thank you for giving me only a glimpse of the rejection you faced from the world, which you have overcome. From your own people, your own family...and eventually your own followers. But you stood the test of time and kept your eyes on the cross and accomplished it all...for me. Hallelujah.





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