I met a Jew

I met a Jew a few weeks ago playing Pickleball in Holland Michigan . He was pretty excited because theres not many of us on the west side of Americas high five here. He was wearing a Winnipeg Jets shirt and had a Long Island accent. He's a NY Jets fan, and his foreign born daughter in law wanted to buy him a shirt for his favorite team...so she got him a Winnipeg Jets shirt. Close enough to the NY Jets, and way funnier. So, Jets and I are chatting and he's overly excited to tell me all these Jew jokes he's been holding in for awhile with no Jew in sight to tell them to. Theres at least 170 mile radius from Holland, Mi before you start routinely running into Jews again...I think Chicago is the closest hotspot. Now Jets is claiming a non-Jew never gets these jokes, so he's abandoned telling them since moving here. So he starts in with this joke about two old Jewish men; Milton and Irv. Its been years since they've seen each other, so they're catching up on each others families. Hows everyone doing and such. Every adult family member Milt asks Irv about from their past has died. Irvs parents, Irvs brother, Irvs wife. One after the other, Milt asks "oh, hows so and so these days?" While Irv reluctantly keeps responding, "oh they actually died" and proceeds to gives Irv the details for each one. When Milt finally begin asking about Irvs kids after a succession of bad news; the safest question one might think, Irv responds "You're gonna laugh, but, they're all dead too." So I'm laughing, because every Jew on the planet can hear their Jewish grandparents voice in this joke. So Jets claims that only a Jew can get this joke. I didn't buy it, so I tested it on a few people over the days that followed. Low and behold, not one giggle, not one smile, ...just a blank stare of horror on what on earth could be so funny about Irvs dead kids. Oy, you goys , you just don't get it. Jets was right. So I'm thinking back to this Thanksgiving dinner my family had years ago at my cousins house near Detroit. I got into this heated debate with my cousins husband Shawn. He was making the assertion that I could no longer claim my Jewish identity because of my belief in Jesus. I go to my first line of defense: "Jesus was Jewish!". It didn't convince him, he still denied me my Jewdom. Now, Shawn is an atheist, but a "cultural" Jew as he claims to be. So they keep Kosher dietary laws in their house, and observe the holidays, but outside their house they can attend a pig roast and eat a pound of bacon, as long as its OUTSIDE their home. All Kosher dietary restrictions only count in their house...its a "culturally" atheist Jewish thing I guess. So my snickers caramel apple salad I brought for Thanksgiving was pitched outside immediately as its ability to be Kosher was cancelled by the presentation of their plattered turkey. An interpretation of Exodus 23:19 "You shall not cook a kid in its mother's milk." forbids my culturally kosher atheist cousins family from allowing us to have "milk", aka "Coolwhip", plated near the meat, aka "Thanksgiving Turkey". So of course, still annoyed that my awesome Caramel Apple salad that I spent time chopping up snicker bars and granny smith apples for is sitting on the front porch for me to take when I leave, I counter his argument with "You don't even believe in God...maybe its YOU who's not Jewish??". So here we are two Jews, a Christ follower and an atheist, arguing over who has more rights to claim their Jewish identity....with no Snickers caramel apple salad to eat to even lighten the mood. This went on for at least 30 minutes. So all these years later, I feel like I've been vindicated in a sense by Jets. He gave the true litmus test to Jewdom in these strange modern days. If you laugh at his jokes; jokes ONLY a Jew would get; then you're a Jew! In your face Shawn, with your cultural atheist Jew nonsense. If I ever get invited to Thanksgiving again, I'm bringing Jets with me as a witness to my Jewishness. And I'm sneaking in that Caramel apple salad. I'll eat the whole thing by myself in Shawns bathroom and defile the whole house. I'll send him the bathroom selfies in the morning.

Stolen mittens

I bought a pair of winter mittens at TJ Max last October. The cashier never removed that big security hunk of plastic from them when she placed them in the bag. I never set off an alarm when I left the store so I didn't notice until I got home. I went back to TJ's a few times after for some Christmas stuff, but always forgot the gloves because it wasnt that cold outside.

I finally started wearing them last month, with the security chunk hanging from it everywhere I went. It was on the inside wrist so I could at least hide it a little. I tried removing it myself with a butter knife...nothing. Ive set alarms off at staples and victoria secrets in the last few weeks...Ive asked all of them if they have the machine to get it off...they all try but none have the exact match as the TJ Max system...I figured they were all the same.

So Ive basically been walking around looking like I stole mittens. I was on my neighborhood walk the other day and passed a neighbor who walks the neighborhood about the same time I do...he put his arm out for a side five as he was approaching....of course it was the hand with THAT mitten. I didn't want to be rude, so I stuck my big mitt out with the security tag hanging off my wrist...there was no way around it! We side fived and I just kept walking. No explanation, we were power walking, it just all happened so fast! He probably thinks Im a criminal now. It did motivate me to get back to TJ Max yesterday and finally get it clipped off.

I'm free from my mittened shackles of shame!!!

A shoveling Jew

My grandpa was buried in a Jewish cemetery and we had a Rabbi perform the ceremony. According to tradition, once he was lowered into the ground, there was, sitting next to his grave, two shovels and a wheelbarrow full of dirt for all the family and guests to take turns throwing dirt on his casket. Its a traditional Jewish way to honor the dead, as Jews do not believe in cremation. The guests and family being the first to begin the process of natural decay returning my grandpa to the dust with which he came.

So the guests and family lined up to take their turns. My nephew noticed a few of the people using the reverse side of the shovel when their time came. He later asked us about it at as we sat shiva.

"So, whats the significance of using the shovel backwards?"

No one knew (which is standard protocol for secular Jews living today),

So I replied:

"theres no symbollic interpretation for it, we're Jews! we don't know how to use shovels! "When have you ever seen a Jew shoveling?"

and that at least made him laugh.

I googled it later (another protocol of secular Jews who want to appear like they understand their own religion). So, the significance of the reverse shoveling is to display your despair in mourning. I guess it's more sensible than tearing your clothes, perhaps it was part of the reformation.

What do you guys think? would you rather laugh or show the world you are mourning? I think I'll choose the former; through tears :) My grandpa was 93 when he died...he spent the last 20 years of his life eating pie almost every day and playing the piano. He had a blessed life, he was a blessed and kind man. And he loved to make everyone around him laugh and try his food...I think I'll model him in that way to honor him.