Mammogram passports

I had to get my mammogram this afternoon. I was going to take some selfies of my boobs in the pancake press with my mammogram passport card next to my hysterically happy, freakishly too gleeful face for such an occasion; but to my dismay, there was no “I got my mammogram” card supplied to me to shove in your faces and prove what an exceptionally good person I am....a hero some might say. Y’all will just have to take my word for it. 

 I’ve now saved humanity with my mammogram. 

 Why did I do it?? Because I truly love people, unlike 50% of the population who refuse to get a mammogram- those awful deplorable creatures we call “men”. I can assure you, my sacrifice had nothing to do with personal reasons for my own health, but truly my gift to the world...I’m just that much better than you. 

 On my way in I grabbed a paper medical mask, held it against my breathing hole and said “hello” to the receptionist man. He told me I must strap it all the way behind my ears...”what if I have a medical exemption?” I wondered allowed. “oh, -and have you heard the cdc news today?” I asked before I’d securely placed the paper loops around my ears. He told me they don’t allow for medical exemptions ....tough crowd. I obliged and strapped the paper to my face - around my ears- and sat down to check in with the kind woman in the tiny cubicle facing us. My glasses immediately fogged up as the check in lady directly across from me asked me how I was doing. “Well I can’t breathe or see anything” I muffled from behind the paper mask and now thoroughly fogged up spectacles .The lady started hysterically laughing , I lowered the mask below my nose to catch a breath and took off my glasses. She didn’t mind at all, she was still laughing too hard. The receptionist man a few feet away was not laughing, he was calling in security.

 I was sent to the mammogram waiting area within view while the security guard and receptionist man curiously looked in my direction...as I’d slip my mask off now and again to drink my coffee and breathe. The receptionist man whispering his concerns over me to the clearly “tired of all of this” security guard. Soon after, the mammogram woman saved me from my impending arrest? Honestly, the security guard seemed more bothered by the receptionist man complaining about me than he did about my imperfectly worn mask sitting literally in the middle of nobody.

 The mammogram woman was awesome, she didn’t seem to give a hoot about my mask. I did ask if I was permitted to breathe. Thankfully she allowed me , a grown woman, to breathe without my nose being restricted so I wouldn’t pass out during my mammogram. I just thought you all should know. You can thank me next time you see me...if you don’t thank me, don’t worry... I’ll make sure it’s the first thing I tell you in case you forget...”ahem...I just had my mammogram...I did it for you....you’re welcome.” Perhaps I will inspire all those selfish men out there to get their own mammograms.