Put your uvula away

Cooper is UBER modest and sensitive about nudity. He also just watched some video on puberty at school last week....so Im in my kitchen this morning, like I seriously JUST woke up, and Im still wearing pajama pants. I realize theyre kind of loose so I lift up my shirt a little to retie the pants...Cooper was sitting in front of me eating breakfast, he was so disturbed by me tying my pajama pants he yelled at me "Are you even wearing underwear,?? I can see you Uvula!". I dont even know what a Uvula is or what on earth he saw that would be remotely close to anything that sounds like a Uvula....but it was pretty flipping hilarious.

Generous with the truth

Kids with Aspergers are pretty hilarious sometimes...they just say stuff theyre thinking, really the stuff that everyone is thinking but knows not to say out loud. A man told Darby last week how he was out to dinner with his entire family and he and his brother in law were fighting over who would pay the bill...in his story he ends up footing the bill. The same man tells the SAME story to Cooper this week, he fights over the bill and then pays for the whole family...then says to Cooper "Do you know why I did that?"....Cooper replies "To make yourself look good"....I couldn't contain myself.

Shark tooth necklace

Trying to explain to my twins the whole negotiating thing in st. Maarten as all the islanders approach us with their wares and services. My kids were really excited about the shark tooth necklaces. I told them how hard the islanders work at their jobs to feed their own families. Darby settles on this “tiger tooth” necklace because he liked the beads on it. 30 minutes after he bought it we’re walking into town and Cooper says to me , serious as a heart attack, ...”I can’t believe that lady had to kill a tiger just to make that necklace”, lololololl...he says “I wonder how she did it”. Right or wrong, I just let him believe the woman wrestled a tiger to its death with her bare hands to sell a $10 necklace. Best quote so far this week!!

Pickleball photography

I always think I’m so bada$$ on the court...then we get pictures from the photographers. Here’s the best way for me to illustrate how: I think I look playing pickleball vs. how I actually look playing pickleball, lolololol.

Overpriced water

“Mom, what a scam! They want $40 for this tiny bottle of water!” Lololololol

Starbucks run

I ran out to Starbucks in rags, no makeup, I look like a hot mess, but the drive thru line was too long for me so I went in anyways. People like tripping over themselves to open the double doors for me and so extra nice smiling hard and what not . I’m trying to figure out what’s going on.?? I’m starting to think they might of thought I was a homeless lady.

Baked beans

I renewed my Sams club membership yesterday. So Im shopping with search and destroy , my two man wrecking crew, and I grab this giant can of beans off the shelf and throw it in our cart , actually I grabbed two of them. When we got to the checkout lane, I asked Darby to help me unload stuff onto the belt. I didn’t realize he’d put the second can of beans on top of the first. So I’m unloading stuff myself and I just finished and turned around. The checkout lady hit the button that moves the belt right as i turned around and the top can flew off. I had literally just turned around and noticed this one ton can was half way to its destination; my foot. I moved my flip flopped foot out of the way a split second before this mammoth bean can nearly crushed it. The can was dented pretty bad, and my foot is still attached to my leg. I avoided what could have been a REALLY bad injury. I was in shock for a minute just thinking about it...Then i nearly threw up. It was at that time, I was trying to get the cashier to understand the gravity of what almost just occurred, she seemed unfazed . Then she started her pitch on the premier member deal, I was so rattled I agreed to it. The combination of Sams Club ginormous canned goods and my twins is a near lethal combination. Will go wearing steel toed boots next time.

Toys r us

Search and destroy have been watching YouTube videos about the now bankrupt and closed Toys R Us...so now we have to visit the local ghosted store and stare longingly through the dirty windows at empty shelves so they can feel like their childhoods were shortchanged. The stores interior lights are still on...”all the stores lights stay on here after they’re closed” says Cooper, things hes learned from watching YouTube videos on TR-US. #parkinglotadventures.

A chiropractic hug

I started seeing a chiropractor about six weeks ago for the first time in my life. This chiro doc looks like The full blown Hulk minus the green hue. He's super tan, probably nearly fifty years old, with a slick full headed Quiff cut. He’s a body builder and  I think he won the  Mr. Michigan competition recently. He straight up LOOKS like a WWF contender and it’s terrifying. He comes in this partitioned room as Im laying on this seesaw electric  table face down. The tables clearly  looks like its been used since 1978, the controls on it are old, the black leather padding ripped here and there. It looks like a contraption out of ClockWork Orange. I'm pretty sure he bought his drop tables  on Craigslist from a retired Chiropractor..

 I can't see a thing,. My face is buried in this white disposable table paper off the roll with my foundation smudged all over it which makes me feel like a total grease monkey when I get up to leave five minutes later. He stands over me,takes a deep breath, (I imagine he's rubbing his palms together like he's about to  break a wooden block in half), proceeds to crack my neck in like 400 different places, THEN continues to twist  me up like a pretzel until my whole body sounds like a sheet of bubble wrap getting stomped on.. Its quite terrifying actually. At the end of all that , I stand up ,and he gives me a big hug. Like a full fledged, "bring it in here girl" bear hug.

 The hug really caught me off guard the first time I went. I figured maybe that was just a chiropractor thing? I'd never been to a chiropractor before.  Maybe all chiropractors hug? All I know is my  dentist doesn’t hug me, neither does my Obgyn. So I went home and  asked my husband if any of his doctors hug him. He said no and told me it was super weird that my chiropractor hugs me. I waved him off  like, “maybe he’s just a hugger and he hugs everyone?” I've decided to figure out if this is true. 

 So, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to peek in  on one of the other adjustment areas after he’s done with a patient to see if he hugs them too....I haven’t found a way to do this yet without looking really suspicious. I've tried passing by to go to the bathroom while peeking in, but my timing is always off. If I linger there in the partition doorway too long it becomes really awkward.  So I went to  plan B: intently listening  to hear if I can detect this hug by ear . This  hasn't paid any dividends either . I can’t tell what the heck is going on over there. All I hear is a bunch of popping and "eek sand ah's" and some uncomfortable awkward sounds people make when they're being tortured. It could be a hug or an adjustment, the sounds one makes on the receiving end of both are eerily similar.

So I was so excited when I ran into a friend I haven’t seen in awhile walking into my chiropractor for her  own appointment at the same time as me yesterday. Finally someone I know who also see's him! We both go to our own partitioned rooms. The doctor comes in and nearly breaks me in half,  gives me a bear hug and releases me back into the wild.   I pay my bill and run out to meet my friend in the parking lot as she's heading to her car. So, "Does he hug you?” I ask.   “Oh ya, he’s a hugger...he hugs everyone” she responds. So I thought this was my #metoo moment...turns out it’s not all that it’s “cracked” up to be.

God hates you

One of my twins went to an all night event Friday, I guess one kid was annoyed by him because he tends to pace and talk so much. So another 12 year old boy said to him “God Hates you”.

This is why it’s so important to know Gods Word and study it and teach it to your kids ; because when someone lies to you, you need to combat the lie with Gods truth. So My kid immediately tells the kid “that’s not true, God loves everyone” and he asks him to get a Bible...the kid said he had one, so my son asked him to get it so he could show him. I don’t think the kid ever got the Bible and it sort of all fizzled out like tween boy spats do, BUT I did realize THIS is why we teach and study the Bible with our kids and why we need to know it. satan is the father of lies and the world is his stomping grounds....don’t let him deceive you, put on your armor of God and fight with the only “weapon” we have as believers...truth and love.
My other son was told that not one person loves him...he said “that’s not true, my mom loves me”....”see mom I really roasted him there”, lololol 🙂

It’s early!! Get your bibles out and start your day right!

Believe In yourself

“Believe in yourself”...that’s the poster I pensively stared at for several minutes while waiting to meet one of the awesome educators at my kids school this morning . The poster message, which seems harmless enough is our message these days ...our human attempt to give a word of positive encouragement to boost the confidence of our youth who struggle with their worth. Then it occurred to me how ineffective this approach would be to a person with little confidence.

Hear me out: if you have no confidence in yourself and feel worthless...what good is it to have a person you’ve decided is worthless(you) believing in your own ability? Kind of a catch 22 actually.

Consider two different people telling you they believe in you...the first is a low IQ methhead who you caught stealing your property and then bragged about it on social media ( a person you might deem worthless right??) The second is a highly successful and generous person whom you highly respect , they’ve achieved much in life, carry themselves with confidence, treat people well and are well liked by everyone. Which one conveying their confidence or “belief” in you would carry more weight??

You see the catch 22 in telling a kid with no confidence to “believe in themself”? Logically the net effect is zero for the low confidence kids you’re trying to reach. So perhaps instead we let them know that God loves them, in fact He loves them so much that He died for them. Let them know He has a plan and purpose for them. Yes, the same God who created everything around us with His Word, created the sun , the stars and the moon!!...that’s something that should give everyone confidence!

If you’re reading this now and you’ve yet to submit your life to Christ, still banking on your own ability to boost your confidence...today’s a good day to surrender that job. You’re enough...not cause I believe in you or you believe in yourself but cause God looked at you as worthy of saving and His Word is the only one that counts. What are you waiting for??

Get to know Darby- 6th grade

A get to know you first week of school project . I think he took the likes and DISLIKES seriously 🙂 his classmates themes were mostly dance, baseball and soccer....not THIs kid!!’ He is one of a kind!! “I have walked the plank “ mic 🎤 drop

One salty Jew

I grew up in a Jewish community and I moved west at age 21 to a community of mostly Dutch folks and no Jews. Dutch folks think Jews are cheap...this is the prevailing consensus among my neighbors. Yesterday I was standing in a local diner and this woman made a remark about the two men loitering at a table for far too long....”oh great, now they’re talking about religion...it’s pastor joe and Rabbi Lou, she says sarcastically. I said “oh is Lou Jewish??!”, I’m always excited to meet other Jews out here because there’s not many of us. She says “no, we just call him Lou the Jew cause he’s cheap”.

That got me thinking to my early days here when my outlaws would say things like “he Jew”d me down” when they were selling their inventory at the local antique store.

Recently a medical practitioner I know , who lives in another area of the country, sold his practice. The practice was in a German Dutch area of Amish folks. The interested buyers were Jewish out of towners. The buyers negotiated, the seller wasn’t thrilled.

It’s truly a clash of culture . As Jews, many of us are good negotiators. In a capitalist country, the price is set when the price a person Is willing to pay meets to price another is willing to accept. In Dutch culture...the price is what the seller says it is. They believe they are fair and honest and hardworking and you should trust that the price they set is fair, any negotiation tactic is an insult to the character of the seller.

Jewish culture decides the true price will be determined by the negotiation process. And personally, I like that process... because I get it and was trained in it. It’s in my DNA. a Jewish seller will often set the price accounting for the fact that a buyer will negotiate. If not, they’ll tell you and they won’t accept a lower offer. So hone your skills!

I’ve come to realize not everyone has the gift of negotiation....and when they end up in a transaction with people from a culture of negotiators...they don’t like it. Instead of sharpening their own skills, they just insist that the Jews are cheap. And that’s not the case! The culture is just completely different!

I’ve waitressed in both Detroit and west Michigan. I can tell you that , hands down, Jews are much more generous tippers and spenders then the Dutch are....overall. Obviously there can be variances between each individual and you’ll get some cheap Jews and some generous Dutchmen...but that’s not the norm...at least in my experience growing up with other Jews and in waiting tables. They are generous givers, and they’re good negotiators. So, before you ill equipped negotiating Dutchmen go around insisting Jews are cheap, realize you still have those three fingers pointing back at you. Pick up a serving apron and spend a few weeks running food to tables at Russ”, you’ll start to get it.

Cell phone zombie

When I was in Boston, I was walking down the street looking at my phone ....I stepped on a large orange peel someone left on the street and I jumped 4 feet in the air because it felt like I stepped on something dead. I was relieved to see the bright orange peel when I looked down.

This week, walking in my neighborhood Late one night while reading a text from my hubby that his boss said hello to me from Boston, I did the same thing. But i wasn’t so lucky. Not.an.orange.peel. I kicked a dead squirrel 10 feet down the road like a soccer ball. I ran home, boiled my shoes And texted my husband to tell his boss I said “eat shit and die”

I think I learned my lesson.

Pray for others to escape being a selfish asshole

I had some insight from the Lord this week walking and talking with Him. I’ll be transparent and tell y’all that I don’t pray often enough, and when I do I treat it like a chore and often am lacking the passion behind my prayers. I get overwhelmed with the brokenness of this world and the things I should be praying about and just try to push it all to a back burner. I’m desensitized because there is so much chaos everywhere, I’m just used to it like it’s normal.

So, For that moment last week I was actually praying with a broken heart walking and talking . I was frustrated so I asked God why He even requires me to pray ( because I feel like I fail at it ) because He can do all things on His own without me already!

He showed me/told
me that He wants me to pray for others because it gets me away from being self focused . We’re not focusing on ourselves when we’re praying...it gives me a chance to be in your shoes and feel your pain. When I pray, I’m giving those burdens I feel for the weight of the world to Him. I don’t need to hang on to them or push them to a back burner .

He doesn’t need my prayers, for the Love, He created EVERYTHING by His Word...but still, He invites me to participate....why?? not because I’m good, but to give me an opportunity to participate in His glory and not be selfish for a minute. What a gift to be invited into His work! And I have been taking that for granted!

Thankful today that I have opportunities to lift people around me up in prayer to a God who is worthy of ALL my worship. Bless each and every one of you this morning in His name, the most beautiful name I know.

My house smells like cat pee

Did you know that stray cats like to pee in sandboxes? I learned that years ago and have never trusted stray cats, or sandboxes, since.

When we moved into our current home 4 years ago I noticed the smell of cat urine whenever I walked up to our front door. I was miffed the realtor never told me we had stray cat problem in this neighborhood. So, I began, what has now become, my four year journey researching and and looking for solutions to fix this problem.

I learned, on the internet, that stray cats not only pee in sandboxes, they pee on your front doors and bushes to mark their territory!!...and its not even their territory!...seriously, the nerve of these strays!

I've cycled through various methods of deterring these cats over the years..... I've tried everything, ...bleach, orange peels, lemon peels, coffee grounds, vinegar, spiky cat deterrent mats, recording loops of barking dogs, fireworks, BB guns. Okay, I made the last three up. But, seriously, if you name a cat peeing deterrent you know, Ive tried it already. And Nothing has worked. Every summer and fall, I smell cat pee as Im approaching our front door. Mind you, Ive never actually seen one of these stray cats before, I've just smelled the evidence of their existence.

We even got our own two cats, I figured our first world domesticated and territorial litter trained house cats would drive the strays away. It did not. Now I started to become suspicious of our own felines. Could they? Would they?! They must be!! It STILL smells like cat pee!!! I'm forever doomed to live in a house that stinks like cat urine.

Last summer, I was in Chicago walking around some of the old neighborhoods north of the city. I recognized the putrid smell. You've got to be kidding, these damn stray cats are destroying Chicago now!, I thought to myself.

Then today....I stumbled across this article about boxwood bushes, and how their oily leaves smell like cat pee. I looked at a picture of one, immediately recognized it as the same exact bush we have between our front door and garage along the walkway. I walked out the front door , leaned over and sniffed the top of the bush. This bush I never even suspected of stinking all these years (I always thought it was the bushes on the other side of the door!) , and sure enough, it stinks like cat pee. But, its NOT cat pee!!!!!! Its actually a really sharp looking piece of shrubbery in our landscape ....the same kind they use in fancy northside of Chicago neighborhoods evidently, lol. Case closed. And just so Ya'll know if you ever come to visit....that smell IS NOT cat pee!!!!!!!!!

Climate change debate settled

Earlier today, I was standing in line waiting for a slice of pizza at Sams club, heavily pondering the climate change debate and the merits of the 97% climate change consensus when I looked up to find THIS guy ahead of me in line. Of course , he’s a pro, so I had to get his expert opinion after I grabbed my slice . He says all the hub bub is a political stunt and the Swedish kids an exploited puppet...and he’s a pro, so no arguing that.

Psychotic cats

I walked out on my deck and found one completely dead mouse fully intact. Right next to it lays a stand alone mouse head...no body....just.a.head. I’m afraid my cats have joined isis.

Norms ice cream and a murder

Jeff took Darby and Cooper to Norm’s for ice cream last week before they closed for the season. He said he was standing there in line waiting to order, while Cooper was running around the flower pot or something over by the picnic tables. Cooper ran over from the tables to the back of the line and loudly says to Jeff who is standing in the middle of this line by now...”so I just found out a kid was MURDERED in Grand Haven”.

Jeff said every single person standing in line suddenly did a 180 degree head turn and a few jaws dropped ...”it happened on Halloween night of 1992” Cooper continued. The audience quickly lost interest, as the initial shock was extinguished with his 27 year time lapse admission. Cooper then told Jeff the story of Adam Provencal getting shot trying to apologize for a Halloween prank, which I’d NEVER even known about all my years of living here! Anyways, is this my kid or what? Lol.

I asked Jeff is he was embarrassed, he said “not at all, totally used to it by now”. So I guess you can say we’ve finally succeeded as a blended family 🙂

Wreckage

May you miss the mark; May you fail big time. May you catastrophically wreck so that you come to know the EPIC grace of God in your life.

I pray for anyone reading this, that you have at least one moment in your life where you knew what the right thing to do was, you clearly understood the standard, but you just .couldn't.do.it, and in the worst possible way, you screwed it all up. You’ve completely wrecked your boat and now it’s floating past you in pieces as you're tossed from wave to wave in a storm with water up to your nostrils.

I pray you have the chance in that moment to recognize how short of perfection you fall. How your decisions can put you in such dangerous situations. I pray all this so you might have an opportunity to stand towards God with your eyes unable to even look towards the heavens, beat yourself in the chest and say "God have mercy on me, a sinner". (Luke) I pray you have an opportunity to be saved.

“God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble".

Vanity, vanity, it’s all vanity...in Vietnamese

Vanity vanity, it’s all vanity ....in Vietnamese.
For my friend Tanya Payette, who gave me her pen 🙂

I got my nails did yesterday by a Vietnamese woman named Lan. She was speaking to another woman in the salon in Vietnamese forever...her friend moved to another nail station like 20 feet away and they continued talking. Well, I thought they were talking to each other anyways because they were both speaking Vietnamese. Every once in awhile one of the Vietnamese guys who worked there would chime in.

As the conversation went on , her back was turned to her friend I thought she was conversing with. But her voice got quieter and quieter , I knew she wasn’t talking to me because I don’t understand a lick of Vietnamese. The other woman kept responding to her...and I’m thinking “how on earth could she possibly hear her?!”

So time goes on and now I’m convinced they all must have mics pinned to their nail tech lab coats and theyre all on the same phone call? there’s clearly some drama going on. So I’m looking hard for a microphone clipped to her shirt to rule out that she’s not nuts and talking to herself , or her friend has supersonic bat ears. I’m looking so hard at her chest for a lapel mic clip, the girl next to me probably thinks I’m an interested lesbian cause I’m really intent on figuring this thing out. No luck. Is she just talking to herself? Is she muttering to herself complaints about me?! I need to learn Vietnamese.

AnywAys, as all this is going on I’m also looking at the color palette and settle on black cherry #42. So when Lan looks up and says to me in English, “43 okay?? “

I said , “no 42”.

“no, no 43 okay?” Lan insisted .

“no 42” I shot back.

Then one of the Vietnamese fellas scrubbing another ladies foot chimed in....”43 okay?”.

I’m thinking what on earth, are they actually saying 42 and 42 just sounds like 43 with a Vietnamese accent? So I say again, “the black cherry color , #42?#

“The price is 43 okay?”

Clarity. I thought she was trying to convince me to get another color , she thought I was haggling to get a dollar off my pedicure. No wonder why she’s talking in Vietnamese to herself about me. We both started laughing when we realized what was happening.

Then she went back to her secret Vietnamese whispering in her undetectable lapel mic. She did convince me to get acrylic nails instead of dip and they’re way longer than I intended. I have so much trouble with the accent I just nod my head and agree with everything she says and you just get what you get. Nails look decent though, Paris nails in norton shores, highly recommended.

Anyone out there that knows Vietnamese want to come with me to my next nail appointment and translate?

Be the tree

Sometimes when I'm walking around my neighborhood praying and I'm in a dark place feeling troubled by the trials right in front of me, I look up at the trees.

Many of these tree's here are more than 200 years old, and they TOWER above the homes in our neighborhood. I take notes from them. I see their branches outstretched high to the heavens in praise to their creator God. Even in the dead of winter, when their leaves have loosened and fallen away months earlier, exposing their naked branches for all to see....those tree's don't waver in their praise. Their branches remain outstretched towards heaven boldly praising our Great God. They can withstand the long suffering months of winter with no Son/Sun to feed them.

When springtime is supposed to arrive in March bringing the warmth of the Sun/Son they have patiently waited for , they find themselves instead covered with grey storm clouds pregnant with frozen ice and snow falling from the sky with intentions to further weigh down their branches and bring hopelessness to them. The tree's look around and see other tree's fallen to the ground.... yet, their branches remain strong in their commitment to praising God. In the storm, a limb or two has ripped from them and fallen dead to the ground below. It doesn't matter, the remaining branches remain strong in their commitment to praising God. What do the trees know that we don't?

Do they know God? Do they know that the season won't last forever? Do they remember the green leaves and fruit they produced the summer before? Do they trust that the sun/Son will return to grow them and warm them and produce fruit and foliage in their branches again? Why are they so bold in their praise when storms and winter blow around them? Is there a reason God chose to hang on a tree in His death for us? The tree appears to be as bold as Christ was for us on that cross. Naked and withered in cold and darkness but committed to its cause.

So I thank God for creating the trees to encourage and remind me to lift my hands high up high and praise HIM in the cold dark seasons of my life in GREAT expectation and knowledge that this season won't last forever and I can praise Him in it. And those dead limbs that fall away "naturally" will only increase my bloom in the right season. So I wait, and I proclaim like the trees, that the Lord that created us both.Is.Good.

 

I borrowed these from the library recently. In 10 days, Darby’s already read every single one . Coopers on his second book. It takes me a month to finish a book these days. I should hang out with him in his room and read.

The Tiramisu child in me.

I spent 20 minutes earlier this week in the fancy cheese section of my grocery store looking for some fancy Italian cheese I’d never heard of. They only had one pack left so I nabbed it and another pack of cream cheese to make up what I was missing for this recipe.

I made a tiramisu last night for this thing we’re doing tonight. I was feeling like such an adult whippin up my sabayon cream over a double boiler with my left hand while simultaneously whipping up heavy whipping cream to stiff peaks in another bowl with my right hand.

I was dipping lady fingers, (which I’d never even heard of until this week) in a bowl of espresso and khaluah ; total adulting. As I was dusting the top of my 9 x 13 Italian cream pie with unsweetened cocoa, I realized I had to wrap this sucker up eventually in Saran Wrap to let it chill overnight. In my former days, the Saran Wrap wouldn’t get enough clearance and would pull off the top layer of whatever was in the pan the next day. But on this occasion, I went to my adult brain and said “adult brain, how would a sophisticated adult handle this?” It instructed me to place some hard spaghetti noodles over the top of the pan to protect my precious tiramisu before I wrapped it. And by golly it actually worked. I am 42 years old and have finally arrived at a place where I can generate and execute good ideas that work instead of my janky half cocked plans that consistently fail me.

When I went to clean up the mess high on my sophisticated new sense of adulting, as the kids are calling it these days, I realized I ate almost half a package of cream cheese for dinner as I was cooking this mushy lady finger pie up. Plain cream cheese straight out of the philly pack is what I ate as a kid, so I guess I still have a bit of kid in me....maybe I’ll just skip dinner tonight and go straight to the dessert.

foosball rage

It took me seven hours to put this foosball table together. No predrilled holes here, nada one on this mdf board. What kind of company hates its customers so much that it’s willing to ruin their lives by just completely skipping the predrilled hole step to an item that literally has 145 places to put a screw?!

I do believe I may have solved some closed unanswered criminal cases though. I firmly believe now that for all the heinous murders in the last 10 years that made no sense , you know the ones where there was clearly no motive; just “random” rage on a stranger ....like the Vegas shooting for example. I’m sure if they opened these cases back up they’d find the perps had ALL recently purchased this exact football table they could never get together...and that’s not a threat, my table actually got finished here....but for the poor bastard that didn’t make it....those are your heinous “random” murderers right there. Check their internet history, you’ll find a kicker brand foosball table in there somewhere.

I lost a Jew

My friend of only five weeks is moving to Connecticut Monday with his family. I'm super happy for them, I really am, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that was sad to see them go so soon.

I was okay the entire day. I played pickle ball for a short while with Billy, said my goodbyes, made him sign his autograph on some obscure piece of paper I grabbed off the front desk of the pickleball club so I didn't have to listen to Cooper lament the entire way home. Cooper had argued with me on the full 25 minute drive down to Holland that he needed to get Billys autograph. I told him, "no one would know who he was, he's just an obscure writer". I didn't want to make Jets head bigger than it already was, but I was on my way out the door and it was a rash last minute ditch to get the kid to shut up. It worked.

The rest of the evening was pretty typical except that my husband killed me in a spontaneous game of rummy we started while the kids got ready for bed. I hate losing....especially to my husband because he's a bigger gloater than I am. I left the kitchen defeated and went upstairs to take a shower. And I started crying like my childhood dog had just died. It hit me how sad I was that my new friend was moving. I thought "what in the world is wrong with me?!" Then It hit me as  hot water hit my head and I stood there balling my eyes out. I'd recently  lost my entire Jewish family and community I'd had my entire life with the death of my grandpa, mom, and stepdad in the span of 8 months . My mom and stepdad were the ones I spoke to the most, but I'd drive to Detroit at least 4/5 times a year and see the rest of my family to catch up. I went through Bar and Bat Mitzvah season with them for their kids. We'd just spent the last 6 months together with the death of my grandpa and mom. I'd spent almost every thanksgiving with them for 41 years.

I knew outside of my mom, stepdad, and grandpa the rest of the family recoiled when i became a Jesus freak in 2008. I was okay with that, I expected it...but we still had some semblance of a relationship. When my mom died, the rest of the family smeared me so they could justify cutting me off completely. I didn't really know what to think or feel about it. I knew what they did was wrong, but I'd heard the aftermath of death had a track record of bringing out the worst in people, and I believed it wasn't who they really were. And if I'm being completely honest, I thought it was a blessing in disguise. There was so much drama emanating from the east side of the state, it released me from all of it.

My mom never disowned me or abhorred me when I became a Jesus freak; if anything we actually had a much closer relationship. My mom witnessed me transform from a messed up ghetto punk hippied out drug dealer to a poor single mom with a string of unhealthy relationships, to a mom of twins with special needs, to a well adjusted and healed human being who miraculously got her shit together and was blessed by God in ways I know I don't deserve....and it blew her away. She talked about it all the time with me. She'd remarked she was going to start reading her bible but would be continually distracted by other things, until Cancer became the dominant thing in her life.

A few years ago, and before cancer came, she had a little bible study she went to in her little neighborhood in Florida she wintered at. When we visited, she was excited to have me go with her. She would tell me stories of how she kept meeting other Jewish believers who would tell her I was right...and she'd say "Yeah, yeah, I know my daughter has been praying for me to meet people like you". But all those things really didn't settle well with the rest of our family members. And my mom hated controversy...so she lived to please them...and that was okay, that was her personality...she wanted to make everyone happy. She probably went to the bible study to make me happy.

In her last few months of life and sick with cancer, my mom dusted off her bible and we'd read passages together through tears...my mom was so scared. But she knew God was speaking to her. My mom gave me the bible from her house which we'd learned, while we were reading it ,belonged to her grandma on her fathers side. My grandpa that had just recently died. The Hebrew bible had never been ready by anyone in our family, it was just my great grandmothers bible passed down. When we dusted it off we found inscriptions from both her and my grandfather from 50 years prior to that exact date we were reading it!. My mom gifted  me the bible because she knew how much I loved Gods Word. I didn't take it because I wanted it to stay with her at her house while she was sick. Before her death, I told my family about some of the ways God was speaking to her using that bible and how we found my grandfathers and grandmothers message of hope written in its pages.  They weren't as excited about it as me, yet went to her house and took the bible after she died telling me I couldn't have it. I never argued for it...Gods Word is  written on my heart.

What I realized, as I sobbed in my bathroom for a friend I'd only met 5 weeks prior to this episode, was that I felt a special kinship with Billy that I'd missed. He felt instantly like both a friend and family. He knew I was one of those weird conservative converted Jews, but he was desperate perhaps, because Jews on the western Michigan Lakeshore are a rare breed. So perhaps it was his desperation to connect with his own community since moving here that created his high tolerance for this avowed Jesus freak and Trump supporting Jew. I don't care either way, I just know I was glad to have his friendship while it lasted, I believe it was a gift from God.

My husband went to the Holland pickleball club this morning without me. He said he ran into the one other Jewish person I met playing pickleball. He stepped on the court with her and she said to him "You know, I told your wife she's not a Jew anymore" and thats all she said. Theres this obsession with Jews trying to take my Jew card away...what IS that?

My five week friend, on the other hand, was over one day while we were ordering some pizza. My guests were questioning my choice of  pizza venue..."Why didn't you choose the place down the road?" I told them "They didn't have a coupon!". Jets instantly recognized the Jew at my core wrapped in the proper layers of Judaic cynicism and topped with the cherry Maga hat. I'll be a card carrying Jew until Jesus calls me home.

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."
-Galatians 3:28

Poor me vampires

Here’s my Friday public service announcement: so, Ive noticed a trend in social media of people who have crap going on in their lives...but sometimes the crap lasts so long ...like years and years, different dramas over different seasons, at some point you have to look at the common denominator of all your drama- it’s you.

Again you’re upset and you’re down, you feel like people aren’t serving you like you want them to. And when they don’t, you publicly insult them and disparage them. Why? Because they’re not serving you. So let me ask you something? How have you been serving them? It’s tiring to be the crutch of a person who has constant problems. And some point, all your human crutches are just that...human. So quit putting so much weight on them.
And maybe try this: not making your self the center of everything...put other people first. Quit blaming other people for your problems. Start blaming yourself. If you’re still blaming your parents and you’re an adult, please stop. You have until age 25, max, to blame your parents for your issues. After that it’s on you. Let your parents enjoy their lives in their old age for the love! It’s time for you to cut the cord and grow up. Honor your mother and father, even if they were shitty parents. Take the high road and honor them by figuring your crap out without blaming them.
You put yourself at the center of the universe and you’re miserable. Why? Cause you’re a shitty god, and you were never worthy of worship. So, remove yourself from the center, and put God back in His rightful place....and you just might discover the secret to joy.
What you’re doing isn’t working if you’re still doing the same thing today that you were 3 years ago...and you’re still miserable. You can get out of this vortex by simply stepping out of it instead of running in the same circle. Take a step right, towards God. He won’t ever get sick of listening to you, the rest of us will. He can actually do something about it, we can’t. He’s the place you should rant to when you’re feeling hopeless, not social media.

I met a Jew

I met a Jew a few weeks ago playing Pickleball in Holland Michigan . He was pretty excited because theres not many of us on the west side of Americas high five here. He was wearing a Winnipeg Jets shirt and had a Long Island accent. He's a NY Jets fan, and his foreign born daughter in law wanted to buy him a shirt for his favorite team...so she got him a Winnipeg Jets shirt. Close enough to the NY Jets, and way funnier. So, Jets and I are chatting and he's overly excited to tell me all these Jew jokes he's been holding in for awhile with no Jew in sight to tell them to. Theres at least 170 mile radius from Holland, Mi before you start routinely running into Jews again...I think Chicago is the closest hotspot. Now Jets is claiming a non-Jew never gets these jokes, so he's abandoned telling them since moving here. So he starts in with this joke about two old Jewish men; Milton and Irv. Its been years since they've seen each other, so they're catching up on each others families. Hows everyone doing and such. Every adult family member Milt asks Irv about from their past has died. Irvs parents, Irvs brother, Irvs wife. One after the other, Milt asks "oh, hows so and so these days?" While Irv reluctantly keeps responding, "oh they actually died" and proceeds to gives Irv the details for each one. When Milt finally begin asking about Irvs kids after a succession of bad news; the safest question one might think, Irv responds "You're gonna laugh, but, they're all dead too." So I'm laughing, because every Jew on the planet can hear their Jewish grandparents voice in this joke. So Jets claims that only a Jew can get this joke. I didn't buy it, so I tested it on a few people over the days that followed. Low and behold, not one giggle, not one smile, ...just a blank stare of horror on what on earth could be so funny about Irvs dead kids. Oy, you goys , you just don't get it. Jets was right. So I'm thinking back to this Thanksgiving dinner my family had years ago at my cousins house near Detroit. I got into this heated debate with my cousins husband Shawn. He was making the assertion that I could no longer claim my Jewish identity because of my belief in Jesus. I go to my first line of defense: "Jesus was Jewish!". It didn't convince him, he still denied me my Jewdom. Now, Shawn is an atheist, but a "cultural" Jew as he claims to be. So they keep Kosher dietary laws in their house, and observe the holidays, but outside their house they can attend a pig roast and eat a pound of bacon, as long as its OUTSIDE their home. All Kosher dietary restrictions only count in their house...its a "culturally" atheist Jewish thing I guess. So my snickers caramel apple salad I brought for Thanksgiving was pitched outside immediately as its ability to be Kosher was cancelled by the presentation of their plattered turkey. An interpretation of Exodus 23:19 "You shall not cook a kid in its mother's milk." forbids my culturally kosher atheist cousins family from allowing us to have "milk", aka "Coolwhip", plated near the meat, aka "Thanksgiving Turkey". So of course, still annoyed that my awesome Caramel Apple salad that I spent time chopping up snicker bars and granny smith apples for is sitting on the front porch for me to take when I leave, I counter his argument with "You don't even believe in God...maybe its YOU who's not Jewish??". So here we are two Jews, a Christ follower and an atheist, arguing over who has more rights to claim their Jewish identity....with no Snickers caramel apple salad to eat to even lighten the mood. This went on for at least 30 minutes. So all these years later, I feel like I've been vindicated in a sense by Jets. He gave the true litmus test to Jewdom in these strange modern days. If you laugh at his jokes; jokes ONLY a Jew would get; then you're a Jew! In your face Shawn, with your cultural atheist Jew nonsense. If I ever get invited to Thanksgiving again, I'm bringing Jets with me as a witness to my Jewishness. And I'm sneaking in that Caramel apple salad. I'll eat the whole thing by myself in Shawns bathroom and defile the whole house. I'll send him the bathroom selfies in the morning.

Stolen mittens

I bought a pair of winter mittens at TJ Max last October. The cashier never removed that big security hunk of plastic from them when she placed them in the bag. I never set off an alarm when I left the store so I didn't notice until I got home. I went back to TJ's a few times after for some Christmas stuff, but always forgot the gloves because it wasnt that cold outside.

I finally started wearing them last month, with the security chunk hanging from it everywhere I went. It was on the inside wrist so I could at least hide it a little. I tried removing it myself with a butter knife...nothing. Ive set alarms off at staples and victoria secrets in the last few weeks...Ive asked all of them if they have the machine to get it off...they all try but none have the exact match as the TJ Max system...I figured they were all the same.

So Ive basically been walking around looking like I stole mittens. I was on my neighborhood walk the other day and passed a neighbor who walks the neighborhood about the same time I do...he put his arm out for a side five as he was approaching....of course it was the hand with THAT mitten. I didn't want to be rude, so I stuck my big mitt out with the security tag hanging off my wrist...there was no way around it! We side fived and I just kept walking. No explanation, we were power walking, it just all happened so fast! He probably thinks Im a criminal now. It did motivate me to get back to TJ Max yesterday and finally get it clipped off.

I'm free from my mittened shackles of shame!!!

A shoveling Jew

My grandpa was buried in a Jewish cemetery and we had a Rabbi perform the ceremony. According to tradition, once he was lowered into the ground, there was, sitting next to his grave, two shovels and a wheelbarrow full of dirt for all the family and guests to take turns throwing dirt on his casket. Its a traditional Jewish way to honor the dead, as Jews do not believe in cremation. The guests and family being the first to begin the process of natural decay returning my grandpa to the dust with which he came.

So the guests and family lined up to take their turns. My nephew noticed a few of the people using the reverse side of the shovel when their time came. He later asked us about it at as we sat shiva.

"So, whats the significance of using the shovel backwards?"

No one knew (which is standard protocol for secular Jews living today),

So I replied:

"theres no symbollic interpretation for it, we're Jews! we don't know how to use shovels! "When have you ever seen a Jew shoveling?"

and that at least made him laugh.

I googled it later (another protocol of secular Jews who want to appear like they understand their own religion). So, the significance of the reverse shoveling is to display your despair in mourning. I guess it's more sensible than tearing your clothes, perhaps it was part of the reformation.

What do you guys think? would you rather laugh or show the world you are mourning? I think I'll choose the former; through tears :) My grandpa was 93 when he died...he spent the last 20 years of his life eating pie almost every day and playing the piano. He had a blessed life, he was a blessed and kind man. And he loved to make everyone around him laugh and try his food...I think I'll model him in that way to honor him.